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Recently, I’ve found myself feeling incredibly fortunate. For now, I cherish the opportunity to share another day with my loved ones.
When COVID-19 first emerged, I was overwhelmed with fear. The alarming news and grim statistics left me rattled. I remember telling my partner during an early press conference that I worried I would lose many people I knew to this illness.
Sadly, that fear has materialized for many. Yet, most of my close friends and family have been spared, and those who contracted the virus have not required hospitalization.
About a month ago, I learned about a professional acquaintance who had been hospitalized with COVID-19 and was in critical condition. Although I didn’t know him well, it saddened me to see his health decline. The day I learned of his passing, I was at my son’s first ice skating lesson, and while waiting in the drive-through, I scrolled through Facebook to find the announcement. It broke my heart to think of the pain his family and especially his young grandchildren would endure.
That evening, while preparing for bed, my partner casually asked, “Do you smell that?” I didn’t, which led me to open various shampoo and lotion bottles, only to realize I had lost my sense of smell. Though I wasn’t feeling sick otherwise, I planned to get tested for COVID-19 the next morning.
As someone prone to anxiety, my mind began racing with thoughts of what I needed to do to prepare for the worst. There are certain aspects of my life that I have taken care of in case I were to pass away, but others remain unaddressed. It felt unsettling to think about the information I might need to communicate in such a scenario.
The thought of my mother, who was not much older than me when she battled cancer, came to mind. She ultimately lost her fight, and because I didn’t possess the emotional maturity to discuss her fears, I never learned firsthand what it’s like to face the end of life.
Fortunately, my COVID test came back positive, but I was relatively asymptomatic and continued to work from home while quarantining with my family.
A week later, I saw a post from a college friend who had been hospitalized with COVID-19. Initially, he seemed stable, but soon his updates became grim as he expressed his fear of dying. He lived in another country, and the following morning, I learned through a trusted family member that he had passed away.
Although we hadn’t spoken in years, social media allowed us to maintain a connection, and it was through his hilarious comments that he had once brightened my day. His death, occurring just days before Easter, weighed heavily on my mind, especially as a practicing Catholic. I reflected on the fact that we were both in our late 40s, both facing the same illness, yet I had survived while he had not. In a spiritual sense, it felt as though I had been granted more time. What would I do with this gift?
A few days after my friend’s death, I received a call from an unknown number, which I allowed to go to voicemail. It turned out to be a colleague of my therapist, delivering the shocking news that he had suddenly passed away. The call was jarring, as many people in his position would have had to make similar calls to his clients. The bond formed in long-term therapy can be profound, and I struggled to process this loss. While I shared personal details with him, I knew little about his life outside of our sessions. He was also an instructor at a psychoanalytic institute where I took courses, and I knew his absence would be deeply felt.
His passing ignited fears about what would happen if I were to die. I have a husband and a young child, and the thought of them receiving such news makes my stomach turn. Since becoming a mother, my anxiety about loss has intensified. The responsibility for a child’s well-being is immense, and we often pour everything we have into ensuring their needs are met.
Perhaps the best way to cope with these fears is to prepare as best we can for the inevitable. This entails putting concrete plans in place to ensure that our partners and children are cared for and engaging in those uncomfortable conversations about our fears regarding mortality.
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In summary, navigating the challenges posed by COVID-19 has deepened my appreciation for life and my family. The losses I’ve witnessed have prompted me to contemplate my own mortality and the importance of preparation for the future. Embracing gratitude for each moment and taking steps to secure my loved ones’ well-being has become paramount.