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“Is your mom a sex worker?”
“Does your sister sell herself?”
“Is your grandmother involved in the oldest profession?”
“Do you get paid for sex?”
These were just a few of the creative comments I faced growing up due to my unfortunate last name. You might have guessed by now that my surname was synonymous with a less-than-desirable profession. Indeed, it was.
Until I turned 25, my last name was Hooker — a term often used to describe someone who engages in sexual activities for money. Through some teenage research, I discovered that as a surname, Hooker has Anglo-Saxon roots and has been around for centuries, deriving from agricultural workers who utilized a specific type of hook for harvesting. However, the modern slang term didn’t gain traction until much later, particularly after Xaviera Hollander’s 1972 book, The Happy Hooker.
My father, who passed down this delightful name, didn’t endure the same ridicule during his school years; back then, “Hooker” simply meant a rare last name. So, when my sister and I expressed our desire to change it during our teenage years, he was baffled. To him, there was no reason to discuss altering our name; he saw no issue with it, despite the growing mockery we faced.
The teasing escalated in middle school, coinciding with our classmates’ discovery of what the name meant. My sister, being more resilient and confident, managed to rise above it, knowing she would eventually change her name through marriage. I, on the other hand, was a chubby nerd with two options: suffer in silence or develop a sharp wit to fend off the comments.
“Is your mom a sex worker?” Well, judging by your shoes, you clearly can’t afford her services.
“Does your sister sell herself?” Sorry, she doesn’t cater to prepubescent boys.
“Is your grandma involved in the oldest profession?” Thinking of a new career path? Perhaps get a makeover.
“Do you get paid for sex?” Only with your mom, and only while you’re sleeping.
Admittedly, my comebacks weren’t exactly Oscar-worthy, but they were my defense mechanism. I learned quickly that if I didn’t respond, the taunts would continue.
One particularly memorable moment happened in class when a substitute teacher took attendance. I could sense the tension in the room as she called out names. “Hooker…” rang through the classroom, and I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. Every student turned to look at me, and in that moment, it felt as if I was under a spotlight, my embarrassment palpable. I couldn’t tell if anyone actually laughed, but in my memory, it felt like they were all pointing and mocking me.
Interestingly, I later learned that my mother, who had a much more respectable last name, had considered leaving my father over his refusal to change it. She understood the impact it had on us. The only one who truly empathized with my plight was my friend Matt, who had the equally unfortunate last name Smelley. We jokingly referred to ourselves as the dynamic duo of embarrassing surnames, and like me, he changed his name in his mid-twenties.
Do I regret growing up with a challenging last name? Not really. If I had been Alex Smith, I might have turned out to be a more confident but ultimately less interesting person. I’ve come to appreciate my quirks and neuroses. My hope is that my future children, hypothetical as they are, will never have to deal with such emotional complexities. Given the genetic quirks they might inherit from me — like my tendency for cavities — the least I can do is give them a mundane last name.
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Summary
Navigating life with a challenging last name can be daunting, especially when it leads to teasing and ridicule during formative years. Sharing personal stories of resilience, the author reflects on the impact of their surname, revealing both the struggles and the humor that emerged from it. Ultimately, the experience shaped their identity, leading to a decision to change the name for future generations.
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