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We all know that mom. The one whose home was always spotless for playdates, while ours looked like a tornado had hit. She was the mom who organized Pinterest-worthy birthday parties complete with themed cakes, decorations, and foods. She seemed to have everything under control, never stepping out in leggings, and her messy buns looked effortlessly chic.
Well, that was me — and I was deeply unhappy.
Why?
Because what I thought was just my perfectionistic inner voice was actually a condition known as high-functioning anxiety.
Understanding High-Functioning Anxiety
When you’re high-functioning, you manage to cope at a higher level than others with the same condition. For me, this meant that while I was internally struggling with anxiety, I appeared to be keeping everything together on the outside.
I left my anxiety untreated for years, which meant that the typical signs of severe anxiety were often absent. This lack of visibility was something I preferred. I juggled parenting, work, and even took on a leadership role in Girl Scouts, all while worrying incessantly about not being good enough.
I feared that if I couldn’t maintain my facade, everyone I cared about would be disappointed, angry, or worse, pity me. I pushed myself to do my absolute best, and then some more. In my mind, if I could outrun my failures and imperfections, I would be safe from being left behind or rejected.
Sounds a bit dramatic, right?
One day, I found myself late picking up my child from half-day Pre-K, without a hat to cover my messy hair, having rushed out of my lounge clothes and straight into work. Standing outside my car, I felt so embarrassed that I nearly turned back. Thankfully, my daughter was the line leader, and we made a quick exit, but I spent the entire drive home crying, convinced that the other moms viewed me as lazy and foolish.
This is just one glimpse of how high-functioning anxiety can manifest. My untreated anxiety blurred the lines between rational thought and my illogical inner dialogue, highlighting the distinction between being a perfectionist and having a high-functioning mental illness.
Perfectionists want things done in a specific way, which they deem best, while those with high-functioning anxiety genuinely believe that if they don’t achieve perfection, the world will fall apart.
People dealing with high-functioning mental illnesses face a unique struggle. My ability to function well meant that I was constantly trying to keep up appearances, leading to moments of internal turmoil.
Take, for example, the night before Crazy Hair Day in 2019. I recall every detail vividly. My youngest daughter was ecstatic about her cupcake buns, while her older sister, wanting something more sophisticated, required more effort. After watching countless YouTube tutorials and putting together the perfect look, I still couldn’t shake off the anxiety that it might not be enough.
What if one of her buns fell apart? What if someone else had a better hairstyle? What if she was embarrassed by me? These were the thoughts racing through my mind, and no, I’m not exaggerating — I wish I were.
Does this resonate with you?
When grappling with untreated mental illness, it can be daunting to share these inner criticisms. You may fear being perceived as irrational or crazy.
For anyone who hasn’t experienced anxiety, let me explain: Logically, you know your thoughts are baseless, yet your nerves and mind are out of sync. Perhaps if I had opened up about my bottled-up thoughts, I would have recognized how unhealthy my mindset was.
According to the Office on Women’s Health, nearly 1 in 5 adults in America experience anxiety disorders, with women being twice as likely as men to face such issues throughout their lives.
When I finally sought treatment for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder 14 years later, I found a balance that allowed me to function normally. However, many around me began to notice a change. Suddenly, they were concerned about what was wrong, as I wasn’t functioning at the same high level as before.
The most constructive question one can ask is, “How can I help?” If you or someone you know exhibits perfectionist traits, reaching out for a genuine conversation can make a significant difference.
I’m not suggesting a full-blown intervention; sometimes, just asking, “But how are you really doing?” can open doors to meaningful discussions about mental health. This could be the turning point between enduring silent suffering and realizing you don’t have to face it alone.
This is my contribution to changing the narrative. I share my experience because I know I’m not alone, and I want you to feel the same way.
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Summary
This article discusses the challenges of being a “perfect mom” while dealing with high-functioning anxiety. It highlights the internal struggles that often go unseen and emphasizes the importance of open conversations about mental health. By sharing her story, the author aims to inspire others to feel less isolated in their experiences.