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On my birthday, I decided to treat myself to a delicious Starbucks latte. But as I entered my home and attempted to set it down to appreciate the thoughtful cards my kids had made, I completely missed the counter. The cup shattered on the floor, and coffee spilled everywhere before I even had a chance to take a sip. Frustration, disappointment, and a hint of embarrassment washed over me, and I had to fight the urge to react negatively. Instead of letting anger or blame take over, I made a quick decision to stay calm. This ability didn’t come by accident; it was honed through years of practicing self-regulation.
I recognized that my feelings were legitimate, but rather than expressing them through outbursts, I took a deep breath and shared that I was feeling sad. I promised the kids I would go get another latte once the mess was cleaned up. I refused to let a spilled drink ruin my birthday. To my surprise, everyone jumped in to help clean up, and my kids expressed their frustration on my behalf, insisting I didn’t deserve this on a special day. Even my ex-partner praised how well I was handling the situation, which filled me with a sense of pride.
While many may have reacted similarly, I grew up in an environment where emotions were not handled well. My family didn’t model healthy emotional responses; instead, they resorted to shouting, throwing things, or retreating. I witnessed behaviors that often escalated emotions rather than diffusing them.
I’m not perfect when it comes to managing my emotions, but I strive to improve with every messy situation I encounter. Parenting three small children who test my limits can be exhausting, and I sometimes find myself yelling or making unreasonable threats. I know I shouldn’t say things like “I’ll throw away your tablets” because that would only punish myself. Yet, in moments of overwhelm, I find myself reacting poorly. I’m aware of the patterns I don’t want to repeat for my kids.
Instead of snapping, I now attempt to articulate my feelings and how I plan to address them. For instance, I might say, “I’m feeling really frustrated right now. I need to step away for a moment,” or “I’m feeling anxious, so I’m going for a walk to clear my head.” Sometimes I say these things with clenched teeth, but I keep trying to show my kids healthier ways to cope. They may not always appreciate my boundaries, especially when I’m creating space between them and what they want, but their unhappiness doesn’t mean they aren’t safe emotionally.
When my kids were toddlers, I often felt uncomfortable watching them get upset. Their tantrums triggered my own emotions, but I understood it was important for them to experience and manage their feelings. I would say things like, “I see you’re frustrated. It’s okay to take a break,” or “I can tell you’re really angry. You can hit a pillow, but not your sister.” I’m far from perfect and sometimes mismanage my own emotions, but I’m conscious and deliberate about how I handle situations. If I mess up, I always acknowledge my mistakes and discuss better ways to react.
I’m committed to equipping my children with the tools they need to navigate their emotions and build strong relationships.
For more insights into parenting and emotional regulation, check out this post on self-regulation. Also, if you’re looking for expert advice on home insemination, Make a Mom has great resources. For further information on pregnancy and home insemination, UCSF’s Center is an excellent resource.
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Summary
Emily Carter shares her journey of learning self-regulation in parenting, emphasizing the importance of modeling emotional control for her children. Reflecting on her upbringing, she contrasts her past experiences with her current efforts to articulate her feelings and respond calmly in challenging situations. Despite occasional setbacks, she remains dedicated to teaching her kids how to process their emotions healthily.