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When my sons were young, we often talked about bullying—how to identify it, how to respond if they encountered it, or witnessed it. I explained the various forms of bullying: physical, mental, and emotional. During their elementary school years, my fellow moms and I were vigilant, always on the lookout for any sign of bullying. However, once our kids entered high school, we believed we had equipped them with the necessary tools to handle such situations.
But what about us? Who prepared us for the adult version of mean girls?
For much of my adult life, I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by kind, supportive women—those who strive to include others and uplift those who are struggling. However, everything shifted when I moved from a vibrant city to the suburbs of Washington, D.C. Suddenly, I found myself in a hostile environment filled with aging Alpha Females clinging to their youth. Any hint of deviation from their standards was met with harsh judgment, exclusion, and backstabbing.
It was captivating in a disturbing way, reminiscent of high school drama, now played out in designer outfits and cosmetic enhancements. These women masked their cruelty with a veneer of politeness, circling like sharks at the first sign of weakness. If a newcomer didn’t fit their mold—whether in appearance, home, or family—they were ignored, often the subject of gossip and ridicule.
After years of witnessing this behavior and its fallout, I felt compelled to write a novel inspired by these observations. The reactions to my book were polarized: some readers insisted that real adult women don’t behave this way, while others found it all too relatable. Among those who identified with the narrative, they highlighted five primary ways women bully one another:
- Exclusion: This can range from subtly posting about gatherings on social media that someone wasn’t invited to, to outright planning events in front of someone without extending an invitation. While no one is obligated to include everyone, there’s a fine line between kindness and cruelty.
- Inclusion Based on Rules: Groups may impose pressure to conform to certain standards, much like the infamous “Mean Girls” scenario where specific clothing is mandated. This can lead to anxiety and eating disorders as women strive to fit in.
- Mental Manipulation: Imagine entering a room full of acquaintances who completely ignore you. Instead of a friendly greeting, you’re met with laughter and whispers, leaving you questioning your own perceptions.
- Physical Intimidation: While less common among women, it can manifest in subtle ways, like bumping into someone or spilling a drink—actions meant to assert dominance.
- Blatant Harassment: Think of the characters in classic films who are mercilessly mocked. Adult women can engage in similar behavior through gossip, rumor-spreading, and “concerned” reporting.
Experiencing bullying as an adult can be bewildering. After all, shouldn’t we know better? Unfortunately, bullying transcends age, and many women fall prey to a false sense of sisterhood that often thrives on tearing each other down. This isn’t the supportive network anyone should aspire to join, but it can be enticing when you feel isolated.
Regrettably, the skills I instilled in my children don’t translate to handling adult bullies outside of professional environments. There’s typically no authority to report such behavior to, and negative actions like gossip, exclusion, and body shaming often go unpunished.
So, how do we cope?
After speaking with numerous women who have faced this type of bullying, I found that self-care emerged as our most vital tool. Here are some strategies to safeguard yourself against bullying:
- Limit Social Media: If seeing posts about gatherings you weren’t invited to causes distress, consider taking a break from social media or blocking those who hurt you. It can be daunting, but liberating to cut ties with toxic influences.
- Reach Out to Trusted Friends: Most women have encountered some form of bullying. Sharing your experiences can help you realize you are not alone and provide the support you need.
- Seek Professional Help: If you lack a close confidant, speaking with a therapist or clergy member can help you process your feelings and find peace.
- Practice Positive Affirmations: Bullying can crush self-esteem. Make an effort to identify three positive traits about yourself and remind yourself of them regularly.
- Document Your Thoughts: Instead of lashing out at bullies, writing down your feelings can provide a constructive outlet for your frustration. Destroying those writings can symbolize your release from the pain.
- Embrace Forgiveness: This is the hardest but most crucial step. Forgiveness doesn’t excuse the bully’s actions but allows you to move forward without being weighed down by resentment.
Remember, if you’re facing bullying, you’re not alone, and there are ways to protect your mental and emotional well-being. Just like children, adults have their own set of tools to counteract bullying by prioritizing self-care.
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Summary
Navigating adult female relationships can be challenging, especially when faced with bullying. Understanding how women can bully one another and employing self-care strategies can empower those affected. It’s crucial to recognize that support systems exist, and isolation is not the answer.