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The familiar phrase from therapists, “Tell me about your mother,” often suggests a need to explore how mothers may have negatively impacted their children. Over the years, mothers have frequently been portrayed unfavorably in mental health discussions. A 1985 study by Caplan and Hall-McCorquodale highlighted this issue by examining 125 psychiatric and psychological journals published between 1970 and 1982. They found that mothers were blamed for 72 different psychological issues in their children, from depression to hyperactivity, and even issues like color blindness. Interestingly, fathers seemed to escape much of this critique, often viewed as less involved or less harmful to their children’s mental health.
Fortunately, during my own psychology training, these outdated theories were presented more as historical curiosities than current beliefs. The contemporary approach acknowledges the complex interplay of biological, psychological, and environmental influences on mental health, with parenting being one of many factors.
As I prepared for motherhood, I took mental notes on how to raise a psychologically healthy child. I reminded myself not to be overly protective, to model healthy behaviors, and to validate my children’s emotions. I thought I was well-prepared.
Working as a psychologist in a university counseling center, I encountered students with a range of maternal relationships. Some had supportive mothers, while others faced distress due to their mothers’ actions or inactions. I vividly remember a client with anorexia whose mother pressured her to weigh herself daily, and another student who was abused, with her mother seemingly complicit.
In my early years of practice, I focused primarily on the students’ experiences, often neglecting to consider the perspectives of their mothers. This changed during a case conference when a colleague, a mother herself, expressed concern for a distressed student’s mother. Her comment shifted my perspective, making me realize the immense stress parents endure, particularly those dealing with children facing mental health challenges.
After finally becoming a mother myself, I understood the weight of parenting responsibilities. During my maternity leave, I found myself struggling to balance my own emotions and the needs of my newborn. In a moment of frustration, I told my son not to cry, contradicting my goal to always validate his feelings.
As the years went by, I gained a deeper understanding of parenting challenges. I now recognize that mothers often bear the brunt of emotional labor, even when they are employed full-time. For single mothers, this burden is even heavier, with many facing economic hardships. The COVID-19 pandemic further exacerbated this stress, with mothers reporting adverse health effects at a higher rate than fathers.
Given these pressures, it’s no surprise that mothers are often blamed for children’s issues. However, it’s important to acknowledge that many mothers are doing their best under challenging circumstances. In my therapeutic practice, I now approach discussions about mothers with an empathy that invites understanding rather than blame. When clients recount negative experiences with their mothers, I ask for more details about these women and their struggles, creating space for compassion.
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In summary, while mothers often bear the brunt of blame for their children’s psychological issues, it’s crucial to recognize the multifaceted challenges they face. By fostering understanding and empathy towards mothers, we can create room for growth and healing.