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“Mom, can we finally go to the water park for my birthday now that Covid is better?”
I expected to hear that question. After all, my daughter had been asking weekly for over a year. However, I was taken aback by how quickly my mind jumped to thoughts of how much weight I could shed before then.
In the past year, I believed I had found some level of acceptance with my body, or so I thought. But when faced with the possibility of squeezing my post-pandemic body into a pre-pandemic swimsuit, my anxiety surged. The summer of 2020 felt like a blur. My daughters and I spent our days outdoors, hiking, and gardening, and I vividly remember celebrating the fact I wouldn’t have to don a bathing suit — the joy of full-coverage clothing.
This past year, we focused solely on navigating our daily lives. I don’t know about you, but for the first time in many years, I didn’t have the energy to criticize myself for indulging in a cupcake or opting for cereal for dinner. Honestly, squeezing in a jog before work was the least of my worries. We had more than a year to build those elusive summer bodies, but guess what? I didn’t do anything to change mine. My main objective was simple — keep my kids healthy and manage each workday without losing my sanity.
As I rummaged through my summer wardrobe for my bathing suits, I was reminded of my habit of holding onto clothes that are too small, convinced I’ll eventually fit into them. Yes, even that red string bikini from Victoria’s Secret I bought in 2008, which has never seen the light of day.
In addition, I unearthed another bikini, two plunging one-pieces, and a tankini with a skirted bottom. Waves of anxiety, embarrassment, and shame washed over me. This wasn’t how I was supposed to feel. I thought holding onto these swimsuits would motivate me, but instead, I found myself crying. They only served as reminders of a time when I was smaller, a time when I didn’t treat my body well. For a fleeting moment, I questioned if it was really that bad back then. Did I suffer as much as I thought? After all, they say pain is beauty, right? Wrong. Just because we’ve been told this doesn’t mean it’s true.
After a brief pity party, I decided against punishing myself by trying on those swimsuits, knowing they wouldn’t fit. Sure, I could have squeezed into them like a sausage, but what would that really achieve? Choosing to prioritize my mental health and practice kindness towards my body still feels challenging at times. Consciously making choices like this is a significant part of my journey toward body acceptance.
After tossing the swimsuits into a donation bag, I hopped onto Target’s website to look for replacements. This time, my focus was on selecting something that fit my body as it is now.
How would I feel wearing it? Would it allow me to do everything I wanted? What would my focus be while wearing it? Would I be preoccupied with hiding the parts of me that have become softer and curvier over the past year, or could I finally be present and concentrate on creating amazing memories with my daughters?
Answering these questions shifted my perspective, helping me prioritize how I felt over what others might think. I guess I’ve made more progress in my body acceptance journey than my initial reaction suggested.
So why am I sharing this with you? Summer is here, and for the first time since 2019, we have a chance to truly enjoy it. But listen closely: just because things are returning to normal doesn’t mean we should carry forward anxiety, embarrassment, and shame.
If this past year has taught us anything, it’s that life is fleeting and should be cherished. Don’t postpone precious moments with loved ones until you’ve lost those last 10, 25, or even 100 pounds. Focus less on your appearance in a swimsuit and more on how you feel. Will I lose weight before celebrating my daughter’s 9th birthday? Maybe, maybe not.
What I do know is that I’ll choose that strapless top and high-waisted bottoms because I want a fantastic tan. I’m buying the suit I adore for its colors, not out of guilt to fit into it. I may not be as ready for the post-pandemic swimsuit season as I’d hoped, but I am definitely ready to embrace my summer, and I want you to feel the same way.
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