Unexpected Connections: A Lesson from Another Mom Who Experienced Loss

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On a sweltering August day in 2012, I parked my large SUV on a quiet street near a popular Greek restaurant in Richmond Heights, MO. The heat was stifling, and I felt out of sorts behind the wheel of my bulky car. As I adjusted the visor mirror, I caught sight of my tired eyes, swollen from weeks of tears. With a sigh, I put the mirror up, donned my sunglasses, and grabbed my bag, heading toward the restaurant.

I was on my way to meet a fellow mom, Sarah, whose son, Max, had passed away six months prior. He had also been diagnosed with infantile spasms, a condition my daughter, Lily, had recently been diagnosed with. It felt surreal to connect with someone who shared such a painful experience, especially through my husband, Jake, who worked at the same firm as Sarah’s partner. Just a year ago, I had never even heard of infantile spasms, and now I was about to meet someone who understood.

As I approached the restaurant, I noticed the outdoor seating was almost empty due to the heat. Preoccupied with thoughts of our meeting, I finally spotted Sarah sitting alone in a booth, engrossed in the menu. While I hadn’t met her yet, I could feel an unspoken understanding emanating from her. In a world that often overlooks our pain, those who have endured similar loss seem to carry an invisible weight that’s impossible to ignore.

“Sarah?” I said as I approached her table.

“Jenna, hi,” she replied warmly, rising to give me a hug. This was the first time I had encountered someone who might truly understand what I was experiencing. We settled into our seats, and I expressed my condolences. “I’m so sorry about Max,” I said softly, unsure of how to articulate the gravity of her loss.

“Thank you,” she replied, her voice steady. “It’s been incredibly difficult. I’m so sorry to hear about Lily’s diagnosis too. It’s a challenging road, but there’s still time to manage it.” I appreciated her hopeful perspective. “You know, many parents in your situation shy away from connecting with those who’ve lost a child. They often prefer to speak with families whose children are thriving.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised. It was hard to fathom why anyone would avoid someone like Sarah. Now, as a bereaved mother myself, I completely understand her sentiment. Some parents understandably find it difficult to engage with the stories of loss; they seek hope from those with children who are doing well. I was desperate for connection and guidance. “I just need someone who truly gets it and can offer advice. I’m so grateful you agreed to meet.”

Once our orders were placed, we began discussing our children and the various treatments we had explored. At that point, Lily had already experienced a failed medication, but I was relieved to hear that Sarah had done extensive research on potential treatments. She was the first parent advocate I had encountered, and I was genuinely impressed. As I pulled out my notebook, I started asking her questions, feeling a mix of admiration and apprehension. “I feel so overwhelmed. You seem so knowledgeable, and I’m worried I won’t even know the right questions to ask. If doctors can’t help, how will I find the right treatment for Lily?”

“I totally understand,” Sarah said, her empathy palpable. “Remember, it’s a marathon, not a sprint.” She paused, seemingly reflecting. “And if you can’t cure the child, make sure to take care of yourself.” We both chuckled, but her words resonated. “Are you seeing a therapist? What we go through is traumatic, and talking to someone can really help.”

“I am,” I replied, relieved. “I’m also on medication now. It’s made a significant difference for me.”

Years later, I stumbled upon that quote, “It’s a marathon, not a sprint,” on social media, and it brought me back to that fateful lunch. I couldn’t have asked for a better support system than Sarah. I strive to be that kind of support for other moms navigating similar paths.

Insights from Fellow Parents

Recently, I reached out to fellow parents to gather their best pieces of advice, and I wanted to share some of their insights here, as they are incredibly valuable:

  • Lean on other parents; they are your best source of support.
  • Don’t hesitate to ask for help.
  • Focus on the present; no one can predict the future.
  • Trust your instincts; don’t let anyone limit your child.
  • Celebrate all milestones, no matter how small, without comparing your child to others.

I was truly moved by the responses I received. Despite the challenges we face, there is an abundance of validation and encouragement among those who have walked similar paths.

Another vital piece of advice from Sarah was, “You’ll encounter families facing various challenges and others who have made remarkable progress. It’s tough, but try not to compare Lily to other children with infantile spasms. Don’t let online stories or other families’ experiences dictate your feelings.”

If you are a parent of a child with complex medical needs, I invite you to connect with me, whether as your first “sorry-to-meet-you-this-way” person or as a source of ongoing support. It would mean the world to me to honor Lily’s journey by helping others.

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In conclusion, navigating the complexities of parenthood, especially with a medically fragile child, can feel isolating. But finding a community and support can make all the difference.