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In 2015, I welcomed twin daughters into the world, each with their own distinct personalities. At almost six years old, both girls are incredibly caring and self-aware, yet they embody opposing traits. One resembles my personality while the other reflects my partner’s. Mia is the type who believes that it’s her way or nothing, whereas Zoe is the friendly negotiator, always willing to play with others, compromise, and lend a helping hand when someone is hurt. She’s the first to fetch a bandaid or accompany a friend to the school nurse. I admire both of them and cherish the opportunity to equip them with the tools to be kind-hearted individuals who also express their thoughts honestly.
My partner is a no-nonsense person—something I’ve gradually learned to embrace over time. Observing how she interacts with others has taught me the importance of standing up for oneself. I strive to find comfort in asserting my boundaries by saying things like, “What you did was not okay,” or “No, that doesn’t work for me—let’s find another solution.” The most vital lesson I’ve gained is the power of saying no, which is something I’m committed to teaching my daughters. I emphasize that “no” can be a complete sentence.
Interestingly, both girls approach saying no differently. Zoe might say, “That’s a good idea, but let’s consider another option,” while Mia is more direct, simply stating “no” and walking away, leaving others pondering what could have been. Both styles are valid, and we need to recognize that both the straightforward approach and the more diplomatic one have their places in our interactions.
It’s easy to find parenting articles focused solely on fostering kindness in children, but it’s crucial to meet them where they are on the kindness spectrum. Being kind doesn’t mean sacrificing one’s own needs for others. Yes, how we communicate matters, but so do our actions and how we treat both others and ourselves. There’s room in the world for both the assertive and the gentle-hearted.
According to the American Psychological Association, children naturally want to care for others. Recent studies reveal that kids can exhibit empathy from an early age, responding with concern when they see someone in distress. Some children, like Zoe, embody kindness entirely, sometimes to their own detriment, while others, like Mia, balance kindness with self-advocacy. Our goal is to teach our children that they can show up for others while also maintaining healthy boundaries.
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Summary
In teaching our children about kindness, it’s equally important to instill in them the ability to assert themselves and set boundaries. Each child may express kindness and assertiveness differently, and both approaches are valid and necessary in navigating the world. By fostering empathy alongside self-advocacy, we prepare them for healthy interactions.
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