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When you’ve spent over a decade alongside the same partner, it’s natural to assume they’ll be there each night, and the nights that follow, for the rest of your lives. This creates a sense of complacency. If you find yourself in the evening thinking, “Maybe we should be intimate,” but you’re feeling a bit worn out, too full, or engrossed in a captivating book, it’s easy to brush it off with a thought like, “There’s always tomorrow.” But as those tomorrows accumulate, you may realize that intimacy is happening only every few weeks, leaving you longing for more and questioning how you arrived at this juncture.
If you’re like me, someone who seeks solutions, you might turn to relationship experts like Laura Green. I found her book, Passion in Partnership, particularly insightful. Laura advocates for scheduled intimacy, arguing, “When you plan for intimacy, you are intentionally nurturing your erotic connection. It’s similar to what you did during your dating days. Think of it as extended foreplay — from twenty minutes to two days.”
After an awkward yet endearing conversation, my partner and I decided to prioritize intimacy by scheduling weekly “intimacy dates,” aiming for at least one a week to avoid long gaps. Initially, we were excited about these designated moments, just as Laura suggested.
However, our plan soon encountered obstacles. We began scheduling our intimacy for Wednesday afternoons, but work meetings soon intruded. We shifted our dates to Sunday nights, only to find ourselves too exhausted from weekend activities and family obligations to engage. Having “Intimacy Time” on the calendar felt less exciting and more disheartening, especially when we started canceling or rescheduling.
The crux of the issue is that for this plan to be effective, we must stick to the dates. Missing them not only undermines the purpose of scheduling intimacy but can also lead to hurt feelings and even a desire to abandon the effort entirely, retreating to a comfort zone of indifference.
Yet, this realization was not the main issue I wanted to discuss. A recent experience highlighted a significant flaw in our plan. Both of us were working from home, and I suddenly found myself wanting intimacy — right at that moment. Perhaps it was the warmer weather or a fleeting thought of a former partner. Whatever the cause, I felt a strong urge and texted my husband, “What’s your schedule like? Want to connect?”
An hour later, he replied that he had a meeting soon and suggested we reconvene tomorrow. I accepted, but the moment left me with a mix of emotions — primarily a sense of subtle rejection. I rarely initiate intimacy, and while I recognize this stems from outdated beliefs about female sexuality, the feeling of being deprioritized lingered.
The hardest part wasn’t even the rejection; it was the frustration of wanting intimacy at that exact moment, only to have to wait. Sure, self-satisfaction could have been a solution, but I craved the connection with a real partner. This is the inherent challenge of a scheduled intimacy — it doesn’t always align with when you truly desire it.
Adding to this are the complexities of long-term relationships. Consider the Coolidge Effect, where animals lose interest in their long-term mates but become excited by new partners. I’ve encountered this feeling myself. A few years ago, I was drawn to a man at a work event, and although I’ve never strayed from my partner, that moment stirred a desire that made me question the boundaries of my own monogamy.
I began to wonder if there’s a way to reconcile my yearning for exploration with the stability of my current relationship. Could I embrace new constructs of intimacy that allow me to feel fulfilled both as an individual and as a partner?
Some may argue that what I seek is immature, suggesting I should embrace a more stable love devoid of that youthful passion. While I understand the value of lasting love, I still crave that thrilling, effortless attraction.
Inspired by the open sexual attitudes of younger generations, I recognize that there are experiences I yearn for that my partner may not fulfill — intimacy with a woman, or even with a stranger. I believe that exploring these desires shouldn’t have to jeopardize the solid, nurturing relationship I have. I’m still searching for a way to balance these desires and will share my discoveries as they unfold. Suggestions are welcome.