I'm Well-Aware of Microaggressions—What You Should Know About Navigating Them

Recently, I participated in a panel discussion with fellow queer individuals. Once the Zoom call concluded and the audience had left, we took a moment to check in with each other about our feelings and the overall experience. Being queer and/or transgender can be draining, largely due to the numerous microaggressions we face daily, which often leave us questioning ourselves and each other on how to respond.

Other marginalized communities, especially those with intersecting identities, also encounter these subtle slights. Despite the prefix “micro,” suggesting that these aggressions are minor and easily ignored, they can be just as damaging as overt discrimination and are often more difficult to dismiss.

What Are Microaggressions?

Microaggressions are those comments, actions, or looks that convey negative stereotypes toward marginalized or non-dominant groups. These remarks are frequently quick and unintentional, stemming from societal biases related to gender, race, sexuality, and body types. The term was first coined in the 1970s by Chester Pierce, a psychologist at Harvard Medical School, who noted the demeaning exchanges between white and Black students. It gained more recognition through Derald Sue, a psychologist at Columbia University, in 2007. Here are some examples:

“Can I touch your hair?”
“You pass really well.”
“When I look at you, I don’t see color.”
“Who is the real mother?”
“Your pain would improve if you lost some weight.”
“If your name wasn’t so feminine, I wouldn’t have misgendered you.”

It’s exhausting. While some individuals recognize that such comments are inappropriate, many lack an understanding of why they should avoid them. Unfortunately, a significant number of people continue to make these remarks, often believing they are being helpful or justified in their actions.

Sharing Our Experiences

During our post-panel discussion, my fellow queer panelists and I shared our daily experiences with others’ biases. We sensed a disconnect between what we endure and how we are perceived when we express those feelings. Often, when we address microaggressions, we are met with gaslighting, whether intentional or not, from the individuals who made the comments.

Dr. Kevin Nadal, a psychology professor at John Jay College, wrote a piece titled “Sexual Orientation Microaggressions: ‘Death by a Thousand Cuts’” for Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Youth, detailing the adverse effects of heteronormative biases on the mental well-being of queer youth. These aggressions also impact queer adults, compounding a sense of exclusion and inadequacy. We often feel like burdens, believing we are “too much” as we continuously advocate for ourselves and are viewed as the persistent squeaky wheels.

Self-Validation and Advocacy

I want to remind myself—and anyone who has felt overshadowed by someone’s intent over the impact of their actions—that you are enough. Your feelings are valid. You deserve respect and better treatment. However, you don’t have to engage in every battle. While holding others accountable is important, I’ve learned that self-preservation sometimes takes precedence. I grow weary of being the one to remind others of their language or to request what should have been offered in the first place.

I won’t dictate how you handle microaggressions, but I encourage you to find safe and sustainable approaches that resonate with you. Some microaggressions can be challenging to articulate, so having a friend or someone present to validate your experience can be beneficial. Context matters, but I typically trust my instincts; if something feels off, it probably is. When someone makes an offensive remark, I instinctively react, correct, and educate. Sometimes I approach this with kindness, other times with assertiveness. I’m working on pausing to assess the potential outcomes before I respond. While I’m open to confronting others, I first consider my physical safety in such situations.

Reflective Questions

Dr. Nadal provides a set of reflective questions in his Guide to Responding to Microaggressions to help navigate these interactions:

If I respond, could my physical safety be at risk?
Will my response provoke defensiveness and lead to an argument?
How will my response affect my relationship with this person (e.g., co-worker, family member)?
If I don’t respond, will I regret not saying anything?
If I remain silent, does that imply I accept the behavior or statement?

Evaluating these questions requires a significant emotional investment. You’re often making quick decisions while grappling with feelings of frustration, sadness, anger, or embarrassment, all while anticipating the microaggressor’s reaction to your feedback. Humor sometimes helps me highlight their mistake, or I may choose to ignore the comment altogether, seeking peace with that decision. While I might entertain passive-aggressive thoughts, I prefer to be direct. I aim to ensure my words are clear when advocating for myself.

Listening and Learning

If you find yourself on the receiving end of a callout, it’s essential to listen. Avoid centering your feelings or attempting to justify your words. Don’t plead ignorance or become defensive. Instead, apologize, thank the person for bringing the issue to your attention, and take the initiative to research why your comments were hurtful. Don’t expect the offended person to do that work for you.

I understand that most microaggressions aren’t intended to cause harm. However, after a day filled with such unintentional injuries, I often feel battered. I remind myself that my feelings are valid and allow myself to release the negative thoughts that don’t serve me. Speaking with a friend or my partner helps affirm my identity and makes it easier to navigate a world that isn’t evolving quickly enough for many of us.

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Conclusion

In summary, navigating microaggressions is a complex emotional endeavor that many marginalized individuals face daily. While some may not intend to cause harm, the cumulative effect can lead to significant emotional distress. It is vital to recognize your worth, advocate for yourself when necessary, and seek support from trusted friends or partners. Finding sustainable ways to manage these interactions can help maintain your well-being in an often unkind world.

I’m Well-Aware of Microaggressions—What You Should Know About Navigating Them