Traveling With Adult Children: What Were We Thinking?

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One silver lining of the Covid-19 pandemic has been the absence of family vacations. You might think I would have learned my lesson over the years, but in my typical optimistic fashion, I always suggest them. For our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary two years ago, I excitedly told my husband I wanted to visit Europe. With the kids. We had recently become empty nesters, with our youngest heading off to college. I thought it would be one of the last chances we’d all have to be together for a long time, especially since their schools had different breaks and our oldest preferred to spend his summers with his girlfriend. “It’ll be fun,” I assured him. What was I thinking? It turned out to be one of those ideas that sound great in theory but not so much in practice.

Looking back, I realize I should have created a detailed itinerary or at least some sort of plan. My husband and I typically enjoy exploring new places on a whim, strolling through streets and soaking in the scenery, so we didn’t make any plans. We assumed we’d check off the major sights, like the Louvre and Champs Élysées in Paris or the Prado and Puerta del Sol in Madrid. I hadn’t even done my research for our trip to Spain and was surprised to find that Picasso’s work was housed in the Reina Sofia Museum, so we missed seeing Guernica but stumbled across Hieronymus Bosch instead. That’s how it goes with us; we often miss out on certain attractions while discovering unexpected gems.

However, our laid-back approach to sightseeing horrified our children. When left without a plan, each of them decided to voice their own preferences, which led to endless disagreements. Isaiah wanted to visit Monaco, while Jacob insisted on going to Cannes. Claire wanted to dine at Le Petit Bistro, but Isaiah preferred crepes. One wanted a beach day, and another wanted to explore a castle. The only consensus they reached was that they wanted to shop, which my husband and I firmly opposed—especially since they were eyeing the same Adidas sneakers and Calvin Klein T-shirts they could find back home for a fraction of the price. Thus, the one activity we all participated in was arguing. At one point, the boys, who were sharing a room, nearly came to blows over which bed to sleep in.

As if the bickering wasn’t enough, Jacob, our youngest, declared that he didn’t sign up for early morning wake-ups and preferred to sleep in, meeting us later wherever we happened to be. My husband would complain about our son’s laziness, reminding us that we had paid for five breakfasts, not four. Meanwhile, I worried about how Jacob would manage to find us in the middle of Barcelona, especially since we could only communicate when we had Wi-Fi, which was almost nonexistent. I could barely navigate our way to the Gaudi museum, while Jacob effortlessly accessed Google Maps on his phone. He always managed to find us, making our concerns seem unreasonable.

What troubled me most was what all this revealed about my parenting. How had I raised such spoiled and combative kids? Yelling at them about how I grew up sharing a shower with my four siblings felt futile. My mother used to tell me about using an outhouse as a child, and here my kids were, squabbling over which bed was closest to the bathroom. Their ruckus was so loud that someone from management had to knock on their door! I felt humiliated. Was I really such a bad mother? At least when my kids visited other people’s homes, the parents would often compliment their behavior. It seemed they only let loose around us.

My parents never consulted me and my siblings about where to eat or what movie to see; they simply made decisions for us. While this led to a smoother experience for them, it also created a distance between us. We loved our parents but didn’t view them as friends. I call my mother, a widow now, out of both love and obligation. However, my daughter calls me just to chat because, in her words, we are best friends. I’m beginning to wonder if my parents’ authoritative style, however well-intentioned, was any better than my more nurturing approach, especially since my kids feel free to express themselves around us.

Maybe that’s the beauty of it all. They can truly be themselves, quirks and all. Yes, they can be difficult at times, but they are also our companions on this journey of life. Just as my husband and I often miss out on some sights while discovering others, our children may be whiny travel buddies, but they’re our travel buddies nonetheless. So, there we were, my husband and I, spending nearly two hours nursing overpriced Perriers while waiting for our kids to finish their beach escapades in Cannes. Because that’s what friends do—hold your drink while you dance.

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Summary:

Traveling with adult children can lead to unexpected challenges and humor. The author reflects on a family trip to Europe, highlighting the disagreements and chaos that arise from not having a structured itinerary. The experience prompts a deeper examination of parenting styles and the evolving dynamics between parents and their adult children. Ultimately, the trip serves as a reminder of the importance of companionship, even amidst conflict.