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I have two incredibly determined kids—a teenager and a pre-teen. They’re passionate and outspoken, often holding strong opinions that sometimes clash with mine. We engage in deep discussions about significant topics like faith, feminism, immigration, and law enforcement. When I set a curfew, they push for a later time. When I ask them to tidy their rooms, they argue for autonomy over their space. And when I suggest they tackle homework after school, they present their case for doing it later in the evening.
These exchanges often leave me feeling emotionally drained. I sometimes wish they would just respond with a simple “okay, Mom,” instead of a “no, here’s my perspective…” But deep down, I realize I don’t want that. I want my children to feel empowered to express themselves, to advocate for their needs and desires, and to challenge authority when necessary.
It’s important for them to be comfortable navigating and resolving conflicts. I want them to stand up for what they believe is right, to speak up for others, and to trust their instincts instead of merely following what they’re told. However, developing these skills is no easy feat; it requires bravery and practice.
A recent post by a therapist, Jamie Collins, highlighted the pitfalls of emphasizing obedience in parenting. At 43, I’m still learning how to manage conflict, assert myself, and question authority. Growing up in the ’80s, the prevailing belief was that children should simply obey adults without question. This meant I didn’t truly start to listen to my own voice until my mid-20s. As a teenager, I was tenacious in advocating for myself, but outside of my family, I often avoided confrontations altogether.
Take my name, for instance. I dislike being called “Chris,” but I usually don’t correct people. I often let them continue using a name that isn’t mine to avoid discomfort. It’s taken me until my 40s to feel somewhat at ease having difficult conversations, and I don’t want my kids to struggle with this for so long. I want them to engage in tough discussions regularly, to understand that it’s okay to question authority, and to recognize the reasoning behind rules so they can make informed choices.
I aspire to raise children who are inquisitive and willing to challenge the status quo. I want them to face conflicts with respect and humility, and I hope they’ll feel comfortable confiding in me about their mistakes. My goal isn’t to raise obedient children but confident, independent thinkers who can effectively manage and resolve disputes. So, when they debate curfews or homework schedules, I remind myself that this is exactly the outcome I desire for them—even if it can be a bit overwhelming.
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In summary, I’m focused on nurturing confident and independent thinkers rather than compliant children. While the process can be challenging, it’s essential for their growth and development.