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I sometimes feel a pang of guilt regarding my children. In reality, they have a wonderful life. We’ve just settled into a new house featuring a swimming pool and playground, filled to the brim with toys that obscure the furniture in their playroom. While they might be considered spoiled, I know it’s my doing. I tend to give in to their requests, compensating for what I perceive as my shortcomings as a mother. Although material possessions don’t guarantee happiness, I can’t shake the feeling that they drew the short straw when it comes to having me as their mom.
I struggle with severe depression and anxiety, along with an eating disorder. Two years ago, I spent six weeks in the hospital, a time my kids were too young to remember. While it would be acceptable if they did recall it, I don’t want them to think I abandoned them or that it was easy to leave them behind. Is it possible for mothers to be guilt-free? I know the reality — everything I endured was for the sake of providing them with a healthy, functional mom, and that’s not a bad thing.
What weighs heavily on my mind are my limitations. I know I won’t completely overcome major depressive disorder or anxiety, but I strive to cope effectively. Yet, I often feel like I require more breaks than other mothers, that I lose my patience more frequently, and that I spend too much time in bed. I’m cautious about pushing my limits. I dedicate hours each day to managing my mental health, but depressive episodes can strike suddenly, lasting for months or even years. Consequently, I depend on my partner (more guilt) to help manage our household. Without his support, I might resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms like overeating or compulsive shopping, or worse.
I’ve made significant progress compared to where I once was — abusing my anxiety medication, crying constantly, and grappling with suicidal thoughts. I must remind myself of this improvement, which also benefits my children.
I still wrestle with a short temper, need ample sleep, and sometimes struggle to socialize, but we manage to have fun. We enjoy family movie nights, take road trips to visit relatives, spend lazy days in pajamas, have dance parties, and swim in the backyard until our fingers prune. Guilt often hinders me from fully embracing these moments, yet I hope my kids will cherish the good times rather than focus on my outbursts stemming from my illness.
My partner asserts that we’re not just raising children; we’re fostering healthy adults. He’s right. My kids are likely to learn empathy, compassion, and the importance of self-care through my experiences. I hope they will feel comfortable discussing mental health openly and will seek help if they notice signs in themselves. In my view, there’s no such thing as being too young to talk about mental health issues.
We need to foster open discussions about mental disorders since they affect over 16 million adults in the U.S. alone. They are also the leading cause of disability for individuals aged 15-44, as reported by the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. Additionally, anxiety disorders represent the most prevalent mental illness in the country, impacting 40 million adults, not to mention the mental health challenges arising from the pandemic.
I hope my children and their friends will break the stigma around mental health and feel no shame regarding their struggles. However, it’s our responsibility, as adults, to set that example. I refuse to apologize for a condition I have little control over, and neither should you. Depression is a relentless thief, robbing you of motivation, joy, and functionality. It can be suffocating, enveloped in darkness and fatigue. It’s crucial to understand why some individuals may require psychiatric hospitalization.
Setting mom guilt aside, I believe I’m doing a decent job. Worst-case scenario, my kids may end up in therapy, attributing their issues to my parenting—until they become parents themselves and gain insight into the challenges I faced.
I recognize that love cannot be bought with toys or material possessions. What truly matters is that my children feel safe, nurtured, and loved. That’s something I can provide, whether from my sickbed or otherwise. My love transcends the boundaries of depression.
For more insights into parenting and mental health, check out this link, which is one of our other blog posts. Also, for authoritative information on home insemination, visit Make a Mom. For additional resources on pregnancy, explore Science Daily.
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Summary:
This article explores the challenges of parenting while managing depression and anxiety. The author reflects on feelings of guilt stemming from their mental health struggles, despite providing a loving and fulfilling environment for their children. They emphasize the importance of open conversations about mental health and the lessons their children will learn from their experiences.