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I’m now in my forties and identifying as bisexual. While many people close to me may not know this, I’ve come to terms with the fact that if it bothers them, they simply aren’t worth my energy. There’s no reason for them to know, anyway. I’m happily married to my husband for almost fifteen years, with three wonderful children, a cozy house, and a minivan. On the surface, my only standout features are my enormous German Shepherd and my creative memorial sticker for a character from The Magicians who is also bi! Yet, beneath this suburban façade, I have an attraction to both men and women. Sadly, I didn’t come to this realization until my mid-thirties.
My Journey of Self-Discovery
As a teenager, the concept of being bisexual was foreign to me. I was aware of the term, but during my high school years in the late ’90s, I faced relentless bullying. When classmates hurled insults like “lezzy” at me, it created an overwhelming sense of shame. I couldn’t fathom the idea of having feelings for girls — I had absorbed so much homophobia that I couldn’t even consider being bi. Even in college, when I shared innocent kisses with girls, I dismissed any genuine emotions I felt.
I suppressed everything. I yearned for an older sister figure, someone to look up to as a best friend. The thought of being romantically involved with her never crossed my mind.
Looking Back
Looking back, I realize I had undeniable crushes on women. I can clearly see it now — the older girl who taught me to ride horses, for instance. I was infatuated with her, even if I told myself it was sisterly admiration. My friends were tired of hearing me rave about her. There was also a college roommate I had a crush on, as well as a stunning redhead who could have reciprocated my feelings. But listing them doesn’t capture the essence of my regret; it’s about the feelings I didn’t understand. Instead of recognizing my attraction, I convinced myself I merely wanted to be closer friends with those girls.
The Weight of Regret
Now, reflecting on those moments fills me with sadness. I don’t lament over specific relationships — I can’t even know if that high school friend would have been interested. What I truly mourn are the lost opportunities. I wish I could know if that charming English girl was straight or if the redhead would have said yes to a romantic advance. All those beautiful women who I could have kissed — all gone.
Above all, I’ll never experience what it’s like to share a relationship with another woman. As someone who identifies as bi, I will never know what it feels like to wake up next to a woman. I imagine sharing clothes and makeup; I ponder what our arguments might be. Would I make a good partner for a woman? I’ll never have those answers.
Embracing My Identity
It’s important to note that this isn’t about feeling deprived of numerous romantic encounters. Coming to terms with my bisexuality later in life has brought a sadness that I will never completely shake off. I’ll never know if I would have been just as happy with a woman as I am with my husband. The uncertainty stings as much as the missed opportunities.
Despite knowing I’m bi and recognizing the validity of bisexuality within the LGBTQIA+ community, there are days I feel invisible. I’m in a heterosexual marriage, I have children, and I blend in with societal expectations. What right do I have to feel sorrow over my past? However, the choices I made stemmed from a place of internalized homophobia. Perhaps if I had recognized my bisexuality earlier, my decisions might have been different, or perhaps not. I have to remind myself that my experiences count. We often say it’s never too late to come out. I can embrace my identity at forty. I can be in a heterosexual marriage and still say: “I’m bi.” If bisexuality means attraction to both genders, then my marriage doesn’t erase my identity.
I’m allowed to grieve what I didn’t experience, but I can also move forward. I can start anew from this point.
Further Reading
For further insights on this topic, check out this privacy policy or explore Make A Mom’s resources for home insemination. Additionally, Resolve.org offers excellent information on family-building options.
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- Understanding bisexuality
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- Resources for LGBTQIA+ individuals
Summary
The author reflects on her late discovery of bisexuality, sharing her past crushes on women and the lost opportunities that haunt her. She acknowledges the internalized homophobia that shaped her choices and asserts her right to grieve for the relationships she never explored. Despite feeling erased in her heterosexual marriage, she embraces her identity and the idea that it’s never too late to come out.