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When a friend approaches you, tears in her eyes, contemplating a divorce, it presents a pivotal moment in your relationship. It’s an invitation to either deepen your bond or retreat into silence. Over the past decade, I’ve had a few friends share this heavy burden with me, and there are two instances that haunt me with regret. I truly messed up, and I owe both of you a long-overdue apology.
I am genuinely sorry for how I reacted when you disclosed your thoughts about divorce. For you, those words were fraught with difficulty, but my response came far too easily. I had been conditioned to think of marriage as sacred and divorce as a failure. In that moment, panic set in, and my upbringing dictated my reaction, leading to my misguided advice that was more judgment than support.
I jumped straight into a litany of phrases I thought would steer you away from your decision: “Oh no, you can’t do that!” I failed to recognize that my words changed everything between us. Instead of being a source of comfort, I delivered a morality lesson when you needed empathy. “It can’t be that bad, can it? Think of the kids! He’s a good man!” My attempts to reassure you only deepened your sorrow.
I offered a hug, but I knew I had messed up without understanding how deeply. I even gave one of you a card featuring broken pottery, symbolizing Kintsugi—the Japanese art of repairing with gold to celebrate flaws. I should have been asking questions instead of pushing my own agenda.
I realize now that I never truly understood your situation. I didn’t know if you were facing abuse, infidelity, financial ruin, or something less tangible like emotional distress. You were in agony over your decision, yet instead of offering solace, I preached at you when you needed to be heard.
Reflecting on our conversations causes me immense regret. I wish I could go back and respond differently—by listening and creating a safe space for both of you to share your feelings. I should have been there for you, offering support instead of judgment.
Since then, I’ve had other friends make similar confessions, and I’ve learned from my past mistakes. I’ve adopted a more supportive role, listening rather than lecturing. I’ve discovered that my friends weren’t seeking validation of their choices; they just wanted someone to lean on during a tough time.
Listening has strengthened those friendships, moving us toward a deeper connection. I wish I had done the same with you. It remains one of my greatest regrets. If you are reading this, please know that I’ve taken these lessons to heart, striving to be a better friend.
This apology is my attempt at Kintsugi—transforming the fractures in our friendship into something beautiful. Perhaps there’s still a chance for us to mend what was broken.
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In summary, this heartfelt apology serves as a reminder of the importance of listening, especially during critical moments in a friend’s life. I hope to rebuild our friendship with a newfound understanding and respect.