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During our teenage years, we often assume our parents will be around forever. Sure, they might get a bit grayer and start using outdated slang, but the idea of losing them feels unfathomable.
I distinctly remember when the reality of my parents’ mortality hit me like a freight train. Walking into a conversation about their final wishes—head-to-head or foot-to-foot—felt incredibly morbid and random. I can’t recall their decision, but 16 years later, I wish I’d known. In 2019, my mother faced a severe battle with cancer. My father was devastated, and as the oldest of four siblings, I stepped up to have the tough conversations that no one else wanted to tackle.
In such intense situations, emotions run high. Everyone handles stress and crises differently, so it’s essential to show understanding towards one another. One way to alleviate some of the heartache is to have these discussions before a worst-case scenario arises. Trust me, I experienced it firsthand. For what felt like six years, we were in limbo about my mom’s health and recovery. Thankfully, she is still with us today.
Due to the suddenness of her diagnosis, many difficult conversations arose not in the first few months, but within mere days. We found ourselves discussing power of attorney and do-not-resuscitate orders almost immediately.
Although it may be uncomfortable, there are crucial topics to cover with your loved ones before facing unexpected events. Knowing everything is sorted out will allow you to focus on what truly matters—spending time together.
Powers of Attorney: Financial and Medical
Things escalated quickly. Within 12 hours, my mom transitioned from routine blood work to being admitted for treatment, ultimately receiving a Stage IV CNS Lymphoma diagnosis. This meant cancer had invaded her brain and spinal cord. During that time, she lost the ability to feed herself or speak.
While my family was committed to doing everything possible to keep her with us, we had to consider whether she felt the same way. Most importantly, we didn’t want her to suffer. Ultimately, my dad became her Medical Power of Attorney, and I was next in line. The weight of that responsibility was immense.
Being appointed as a financial Power of Attorney felt slightly less daunting. I found security in having some control during an otherwise chaotic crisis. My dad, bless him, was not in a position to handle financial matters, so I managed the bills while he focused on my mom’s care. It’s crucial to understand that financial and medical Power of Attorney documents grant different powers and should not be confused.
Discussing “Do Not Resuscitate” Wishes and Palliative Care Options
If you thought that was heavy, prepare yourself for an even tougher conversation. Just a few days into this whirlwind, my mother regained her ability to speak, and we asked her, “If something happens, do you want to be resuscitated?” No matter her answer, it broke my heart. Any response reminded me that whether it was today or decades from now, I would eventually lose her.
For six months, we were in a constant state of crisis, with emergency teams frequently arriving to take my mom back to the ICU. Trust me when I say, the last thing you should face in a crisis is making excruciating decisions for someone you love. Have these conversations now to ensure peace of mind, knowing that whatever choices arise will reflect their wishes.
These discussions aren’t just for parents or older relatives; they’re also important for your own decisions. We like to think we’re invincible, but accidents can happen.
Having these conversations ahead of time will spare you much heartache and stress. Although it won’t change the situation you might face, it will relieve unconsidered burdens, allowing you to channel your energy into being with those you care about.
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Summary
In summary, having difficult conversations with parents about critical issues like power of attorney and end-of-life wishes before a crisis strikes can provide clarity and peace of mind. It allows families to focus on what truly matters during challenging times. Don’t wait until it’s too late; initiate these essential discussions now.