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To reflect on my friend Lucy, I tried to sift through our old Facebook messages. Unfortunately, there was only one message left from her account, but it wasn’t from Lucy herself. Her long-term partner wrote, “Dear Sam, this is Alex. I wanted to let you know that Lucy’s funeral will be held tomorrow at 12:40 PM UK time. I thought you might want to know. With love, Alex.”
Aside from that note, there was nothing else. I’m not sure if Facebook deleted our messages automatically or if I might have done it myself. It’s puzzling to think why I would delete everything except Alex’s last message.
I never met Lucy in person. She lived in London, while I was in the U.S. We connected through a Facebook group focused on mental health support, a community aimed at helping those dealing with depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders. We were united by the struggles that mental illness brings.
Admitting that I have friends online can feel uncomfortable. There’s a stigma surrounding making friends via social media—it implies that “my friends are just avatars.” It also suggests a vulnerability to being deceived; you might wonder if your internet friend will eventually ask for embarrassing photos.
At that point in my life, I understood the risks but was willing to accept them. When you struggle with severe depression, your in-person support system can dwindle. You often have to cut ties with those who can’t truly grasp your struggles, usually because they’ve never experienced significant mental health issues themselves. This leaves you with little more than a cliché self-help book offering empty platitudes. People can empathize with physical ailments, but mental illness? There’s rarely a meal train organized for those of us fighting invisible battles.
Depression can lead to profound isolation, making it challenging to reach out. Thankfully, I found a lifeline through my iPad.
According to experts like Robin Dunbar, an evolutionary psychologist, “friends” on social media aren’t real. He argues that there’s little correlation between having online friends and being able to rely on them or communicate regularly.
However, the connection I had with Lucy was different. Every day, from the moment she first reached out, we exchanged messages frequently for about eight months. We discussed our current struggles rather than delving into our pasts. I didn’t know her former career, only that she could no longer work. I was unaware of her previous hobbies but knew she swam for hours to try to keep her “demons” at bay, as she called them. We focused on the present and how to persevere.
At the time, I was starting to climb out of my depression, while Lucy was spiraling deeper into hers. I tried to be a source of support, sharing hope in a time when it felt scarce. We explored journaling, meditation, and various treatments together. We commiserated over how depression could strip us of our vitality, celebrated small victories, and shared tears. While Dunbar suggests it’s difficult to find comfort online, I believe a virtual shoulder can sometimes be the best option.
Lucy’s passing hit me hard. Our friendship was deeply intimate, and losing her in such a tragic way was heartbreaking. Like many others who succumb to suicide (with about 700,000 lives lost each year), Lucy couldn’t hold on any longer. I understand why, even if it still pains me.
I rarely spoke about Lucy when she was alive, especially not to those around me. When I tried to discuss my depression, people would often tune out. So, when her life ended, I felt compelled to keep quiet.
The Kübler-Ross model of grief is well-known, outlining stages such as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, as Sandra Silva Casabianca notes, these stages can vary widely between individuals. At first, I mainly felt sadness—distinct from depression—and a profound sense of loss.
By writing about Lucy, I’ve found a sense of acceptance. If you’ve read this far, you know more about my friendship with her than anyone else in my life. Perhaps it’s fitting that the most genuine memories I have of Lucy are shared in this online space.
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Summary: The author reflects on the loss of a close friend, Lucy, who tragically took her own life. Their friendship, formed through an online mental health community, provided a significant source of support during challenging times. Despite the stigma surrounding online connections, the bond they shared was deep and meaningful. Writing about Lucy has offered the author a sense of acceptance, highlighting the often overlooked emotional ties formed in virtual spaces.