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“Come back here,” I call out to my son from the kitchen, where I find myself surrounded by a chaotic mess: an open bag of bagels, a sticky block of cream cheese discarded in its foil, and crumbs scattered around the toaster, which has been pulled out from the wall.
“What?” my 15-year-old replies, bouncing into the kitchen with an innocent expression on his face.
I give him a look.
He looks back, clearly perplexed.
“Just … take a look around,” I respond, keeping my gaze fixed on him. “What do you think made me call you in here?”
His eyes scan the room, and he grimaces. “Oh. Oops. My bad.”
He cleans up his mess.
This exchange happens about half the time he tries to prepare food. Whenever he moves things around, I refrain from directing him specifically; instead, I invite him to recognize what needs to be done on his own. Gradually, he’s starting to catch on, needing my prompts less frequently.
I’ve also shifted my approach to assigning chores. In the beginning, I provided detailed lists with step-by-step instructions for each task, like breaking down “clean the bathroom” into “clean the toilet,” “wipe down the base,” and “scrub the bowl.” Now, I simply say, “clean the bathroom.”
My son has never been naturally inclined to organize, care about appearances, or think about a task once he’s moved past it. He often forgets to put things away, whether it’s cooking tools or other items. With ADHD, his mind doesn’t automatically function that way.
And that’s perfectly okay. I don’t expect my kids to be perfect. My teenage son shines in other areas, and perhaps organization isn’t his strong suit. But I refuse to let him grow into an adult who leaves his future partner wondering why he wasn’t taught to contribute to household responsibilities. I won’t stand by as he becomes one of those men who claims he just doesn’t “see the mess” or believes that “all you have to do is ask.”
Most parents understand the necessity of teaching children specific household tasks. However, many, myself included until recently, overlook the crucial aspect of invisible labor—recognizing what needs to be done without being told.
This isn’t about placing the burden of remembering everything on young children. It’s about fostering the everyday emotional labor of being aware in a space, identifying what needs to be done, and simply taking initiative. This emotional labor is often what exhausts many women in heterosexual relationships. Countless studies show that even when chores are divided fairly, women frequently end up managing the household tasks, a role they never sought nor wanted.
This issue isn’t exclusive to stay-at-home moms; it affects dual-income couples, too. Somehow, the responsibility of household management often falls to women, and too frequently, men are told to “just ask” for help. Women say this as well: “If you want him to help, you must ask. He’s not a mind reader!”
Those who offer this advice often find themselves trapped in the same cycle of invisible labor, justifying their partner’s lack of initiative rather than addressing the underlying issue.
Imagine a world where boys are taught from a young age to look at a room and understand what needs to be done. What if we instill in them the concept of invisible labor, so they know that when the trash can is full, it’s time to take it out? Or that when the washing machine dings, they should move the clothes to the dryer? Or when the dishwasher is clean, they should empty it—without needing to be asked?
This is my goal for both of my children, particularly my son. I can’t bear the thought of him growing up to cause his future partner the frustration that so many women face with inattentive partners.
Chore lists are beneficial for setting expectations, but we also need to teach our kids to assess their environment and ask themselves how they can improve it. We should actively encourage this skill by asking questions like, “Look around this room. What needs to be done?”
Recognizing what needs to be done isn’t an instinctive skill for everyone, and we often mistakenly assume boys can’t learn it. We either fail to demand they acquire this skill or give up when they don’t seem to grasp it.
For my son, I’ve been encouraging him to turn around and evaluate a room before leaving it. Is it in better shape than when he entered? If not, he should take action. The aim is for him to at least leave a space as tidy as it was upon his arrival. In general, the principle is to leave a space better than you found it.
Isn’t that a valuable lesson to impart to our children?
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Summary:
Teaching our children about invisible labor in the household is essential for fostering responsibility and awareness. By encouraging kids, especially boys, to recognize what needs to be done without being asked, we can help break the cycle of invisible labor that often falls disproportionately on women. This approach not only prepares our children for equitable partnerships in the future but also instills valuable life lessons about taking initiative and improving their surroundings.