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Reuniting with my mom after a year of isolation (and once we were both vaccinated) brought a whirlwind of emotions. I felt overwhelming joy to hug her again, to prepare a meal for her at my place, and to share that meal together. Watching her engage with my kids, cuddling with them on the couch as they excitedly discussed their favorite video games, brought tears to my eyes. The simple act of doing normal things together after a year of distanced phone calls and masked outdoor visits felt miraculous.
While I anticipated feelings of happiness, gratitude, and relief at finally being together again, I wasn’t prepared for the barrage of diet culture and internalized fatphobia that would accompany our reunion.
My mom, in her 70s, grew up in an era where women were often expected to be thin or be on a diet. Her own mother was an early attendee of Weight Watchers, and I recall my mom frequently being on various diets throughout my childhood. At one point, she even sold Herbalife products—a precursor to today’s dieting schemes. Therefore, her fixation on weight and food intake shouldn’t have caught me off guard. Yet, after a year away from all that—and with more pressing concerns at the forefront (like ensuring she didn’t catch a deadly virus)—her comments stood out in stark contrast.
This past year, my focus had shifted significantly. With the pandemic in full swing, I had little time to dwell on my own eating habits or weight. I have grappled with my own disordered eating for years, and while I’ve made progress, the distractions of the pandemic pushed unhealthy thoughts to the background. I had also immersed myself in body positivity and intuitive eating philosophies, which further altered my perspective.
So, when I sat down with my mom to serve that first home-cooked meal post-pandemic, I was taken aback by her remarks. More than once, she praised the meal, only to follow up with a cautionary note about not eating too much. This pattern continued until I reached my breaking point when she sampled a small cake my kids had chosen for the occasion. After a couple of bites, she exclaimed, “Get this away from me! I’ll get fat!”
I understand that she means well and isn’t trying to negatively influence my children. However, it’s precisely this kind of rhetoric I want to shield them from. In our home, we do not label foods as “good” or “bad.” Sure, my kids understand that broccoli is healthier than cake, and they should consume more of the former, but we strive to create a positive relationship with food, free from guilt or shame. I know from my own experiences that demonizing certain foods only fosters temptation and anxiety around eating.
Moreover, I deeply dislike hearing disparaging comments about bodies in front of my children. My husband and I never engage in such discussions, nor do we comment on our kids’ appearances. I recognize that my mom’s remarks stem from her own insecurities, but kids absorb what they hear from adults around them.
I probably should have waited until after dinner to address it, but my frustration boiled over. I told her directly that I didn’t want her discussing weight in front of my kids. We have a trusting relationship, and while she didn’t fully grasp my concerns, she acknowledged my request and shifted the topic.
However, during our next visit, the cycle repeated itself. She lamented her pandemic weight gain and her new diet, insisting on only ordering salads when we got takeout. I was taken aback by the frequency of her weight-related comments! Perhaps being cooped up for months intensified her focus on weight? Or maybe I simply hadn’t noticed it before?
Regardless, this is becoming an ongoing issue, and I know I need to address it again. I’m unsure if I can change the mindset of a 70-year-old woman entrenched in diet culture, but I want to try. I hope to help her understand the harm these thoughts can have, not just for herself but also for my children. She deserves to appreciate her body and focus on her health, especially after the challenges of the past year.
Isn’t this the perfect opportunity to reassess what truly matters and break free from the constraints of diet culture? One thing is for certain: I won’t allow such negativity in front of my children. Their mental health is paramount, and my tolerance for harmful rhetoric is at an all-time low.
I hope these realizations about my mom’s fatphobia can serve as a chance for growth for both of us. I would love for her to embrace her body and cultivate a healthier relationship with food.
But when she’s in my home, those kinds of comments are simply not acceptable.
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Summary: Reuniting with her mom post-lockdown prompted Jessica to recognize her mother’s ingrained fatphobia, which she hadn’t noticed before. As they shared meals, her mom’s comments about dieting and body image alarmed Jessica, leading her to confront her mother about the negative impact of such remarks on her children. Despite the challenges of addressing these issues with a family member, Jessica hopes for growth and understanding for both herself and her mom.