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Trigger warning: child loss
I’ve found a sense of peace regarding my son’s passing. There was a time when I thought that would be impossible to admit, a time I resisted confronting the reality. But here I am, and it’s true.
Experiencing something as devastating as losing a child transforms you. It’s a trauma that feels insurmountable, leaving you exhausted from the constant struggle against acceptance. Eventually, fatigue leads you to surrender to what you cannot change.
This acceptance is delicate; it doesn’t form overnight or settle in with time. It wavers, surfacing and receding with significant moments that remind you of what’s missing. One of those moments has arrived: what should have been my son’s first day of kindergarten.
As I scroll through social media and see friends sharing photos of their children preparing for school, I am hit with the stark reality of what I have lost — and what he will never experience. I think of my son every day, cherishing the memories we made, but I seldom allow myself to envision who he might have become. It’s too painful, and my heart has learned to avoid those fantasies.
Yet, lately, I find myself unable to resist. Every kindergartener I encounter evokes memories of his potential. Imagining his “would-be” life expands the love I have for him, leaving me longing to know him as a five-year-old ready for school. I wish to understand his quirks, interests, and even his worries. I yearn to fill out one of those adorable “About Me” chalkboards and capture his first-day pictures, just like every other parent is doing. I wish he were here, transforming my love into shared moments instead of silent wishes.
The dreams I held for him have faded into mere echoes of unfulfilled hopes. I never anticipated that I would feel such deep loss every time I see friends celebrating milestones like meet-the-teacher night. I never expected to question what life would be like if he were still with me.
The fleeting joy I feel when imagining his life is quickly overshadowed by the heart-wrenching reality of his absence. I am filled with sadness, anger, and a profound sense of injustice. Mothers are not meant to outlive their children; it defies nature.
I understand that these feelings are a part of my journey; I won’t move past them, but rather learn to coexist with them. I adapt because life doesn’t pause for my sorrow. Watching other children start school serves as a painful reminder of this truth.
This year marks a new “first” for me, one I didn’t see coming even after enduring numerous holidays, five birthdays, and countless ordinary days without him. It’s the first time he isn’t here for what should have been his first day of school, a significant milestone we are both missing out on.
Yet, this milestone represents more than just a day; it highlights the time that has slipped away. It underscores the ordinary and beautiful moments we never got to share. Just over four months. 124 days. A brief flicker in time. It’s never enough when you expect a lifetime.
These are the truths I must confront once more: my child will always be my child, we won’t create new memories, and who he was is all he will ever be. He won’t be starting kindergarten this year.
There’s comfort in the familiarity of these emotions. I recognize them as old companions in my grief, woven into my very being. I wear them well, for I’ve witnessed how grief can coexist with moments of joy. It’s not merely black and white; sometimes, the beauty of life shines brighter after experiencing profound loss.
Even though he’s absent from his first day of kindergarten, I’ve found a measure of acceptance regarding his death.
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Summary:
A mother’s profound grief over her child’s absence as he misses his first day of kindergarten reveals the complexity of acceptance after loss. As she navigates this significant milestone, she reflects on the dreams for her son, the bittersweet nature of memories, and the heartache of unfulfilled potential. Ultimately, she finds a measure of peace, recognizing that while her child will always be her baby, life continues to present both challenges and moments of joy.