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Ask Home Insemination Kit is our advice column, where our team of “experts” tackles your questions about life, love, body image, friendships, parenting, and anything else that leaves you puzzled.
This week, we’re addressing how to handle a houseguest who seems to have moved in for good.
Do you have your own questions?
Dear Home Insemination Kit,
I need some help! My mom came to stay with us for what was supposed to be “a few weeks” after she got fully vaccinated for COVID. She became part of our pod to spend some quality time with the kids. The problem is, it’s been over 3 months now, and she shows no signs of leaving. To make matters worse, I just learned she let my brother and his wife take over her apartment while living here, and they plan to bring her cat to our house this weekend! My mom never intended to move in, and my husband is going to flip out. I don’t want her living with us permanently either; it just doesn’t fit with our family dynamics. We love her dearly and want to see her, but we also want her to maintain her own home. When I mentioned that it might be time for her to return to her apartment and for us to return to a more traditional visiting schedule, she responded, “My apartment is only one bedroom, and your brother and Nina have nowhere else to go. This works for now!” I can’t just kick her out, and I certainly can’t afford to help her find a new place. What should I do now?
Alright, let’s break this down
(and no, I don’t mean unpacking your mom’s things all over your home).
Given the context of your letter, it seems like your mom is not a toxic presence; rather, you likely have a decent relationship, even if current living arrangements are challenging. While she may not be the ideal houseguest, at least she isn’t causing complete chaos in your household, and that’s a positive.
However, just because she isn’t behaving destructively doesn’t mean her extended stay isn’t causing issues. Your marriage is feeling the strain due to her presence, and that’s unacceptable—after all, you and your husband are the foundation of your home, which sets the tone for your kids. If tension is rising between you due to your mom living with you, it can negatively impact everyone in your household. You don’t want the resentment over this situation to affect your relationships.
You have a couple of options. First, consider discussing it with her again—this time more assertively. Explain that while you understand this arrangement is convenient for her (and for your brother, who is living in her apartment), it’s having a detrimental effect on your family. Reaffirm that you care for her and want her happiness, but you simply aren’t equipped for her to stay long-term. When she pushes back—and it’s likely she will—you need to stand firm; backing down didn’t yield results last time. Set a clear timeline for her to move out, and leave it at that.
Alternatively, you could tell her that if she’s going to stay with you, she’ll need to contribute by paying rent and utilities. This could be a bluff, but it might just be enough to make her realize that her current living situation isn’t as convenient as she thought.
I understand that you love your mom and don’t want to hurt her feelings, but until she experiences some pushback, she’ll likely continue to stay because she’s benefiting from the arrangement. Remember, it’s not your responsibility to ensure your brother and his wife are accommodated; you must prioritize your immediate family’s needs. If they end up squeezing into your mom’s one-bedroom apartment for a while, that’s her problem to solve.
Setting boundaries can be tough. However, your mom, along with your brother and sister-in-law, are all capable adults, and it’s not your job to ensure their comfort, no matter how much you care about them.
Ready for more?
Check out our other blog posts for additional insights, including this one on terms and conditions. Also, if you’re looking for expert advice on home insemination, this site is a great resource. For more information on the IVF process, visit this excellent resource.
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- How to handle a long-term houseguest
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- Tips for temporary houseguests
Summary:
You’re faced with a challenging situation as your mother has overstayed her welcome in your home. While she initially came for a short visit, the arrangement has become unsustainable for your family. It’s essential to address this with her directly and assertively, either by setting a clear timeline for her return to her apartment or suggesting she contribute financially if she continues to stay. Remember, it’s crucial to prioritize your immediate family’s needs.