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Self-acceptance. Self-care. Self-love. It can often feel a bit … selfish, can’t it? If you’re nodding along, my dear friend, it seems you might benefit from a quick lesson on self-compassion.
I first encountered the idea of self-compassion in therapy. My therapist highlighted my tendency to prioritize everyone else’s needs over my own. She would ask me, “Who is looking after you?” and “Do the people around you consider how their actions affect you?” That was certainly a hard pill to swallow. It’s not that I felt undeserving; I’ve just always been the one to care for others because… isn’t that what we’re expected to do?
Here’s the truth: You can be a caretaker while also caring for yourself. Listen closely: Love and support are not things you must earn.
On some level, we all understand this, but applying it can be a different story. I particularly struggled with this during my tumultuous relationship with food and my body. While I was often trying to shed pounds, I realized it wasn’t always for my own sake. I believed that changing my appearance would make me more socially acceptable, aligning with unrealistic expectations.
This led to a toxic inner dialogue. I was harsh, negative, and downright rude to myself. I would never speak that way to my sister or a friend, let alone a stranger. My therapist’s insight early in our sessions was a wake-up call, igniting my journey toward self-compassion, and I want to share it with you because I know I’m not alone in this struggle. We all deserve better.
Understanding Self-Compassion and Self-Love
Self-compassion and self-love are far more than mere buzzwords. To gain deeper insights, I reached out to Mia Johnson, founder of Kindness Within, who provided a refreshing perspective on what active self-love and compassion involve.
“Sometimes, it can feel impossible to even begin loving yourself,” Mia explained. “Can you release the expectation that you must love yourself 24/7? It’s perfectly normal to experience moments of self-doubt or days when you simply don’t feel your best. It’s also okay to aim for self-like if self-love feels out of reach right now.”
Self-love and compassion require effort. If you’ve been accustomed to prioritizing others, shifting that habit can be challenging.
Mia encourages us to view self-compassion and self-love as actions rather than fleeting feelings. “Think of self-compassion as a verb, something you actively do to nurture yourself, rather than a feeling you strive to achieve. Feelings fluctuate, but we can always choose to treat ourselves with kindness.”
Imagine the difference it would make if we actively cared for ourselves as much as we do for others. How often do you criticize yourself for indulging in “bad” foods? Would you ever question a close friend’s choices with “Are you sure you want to eat that?” Of course not! Foods carry no moral weight. So, why do we speak to ourselves that way?
Breaking the Cycle of Self-Criticism
You are worthy—regardless of what your inner critic may say. Silence that voice and make space for compassion and love. Mia suggests starting with small actions. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.
“Rather than sitting back and waiting for self-love to magically appear, act as though you love yourself right now. Each little act of kindness moves you closer to a genuine feeling of self-love.”
To discover what acts of kindness resonate with you, self-reflection is crucial. Are your actions motivated by genuine desire or the fear of disappointing someone else? Would you feel upset if you heard someone say those words to your daughter? If so, why would you say them to yourself?
Practicing self-compassion and love isn’t about shaming yourself into change; it’s about acknowledging that you are deserving of compassion and love just like everyone else. Remember, transforming your inner critic into a voice of acceptance won’t happen overnight, but gradual progress will lead you there. Embracing self-compassion may be challenging, but trust me, it’s absolutely worthwhile.
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