artificial insemination kit for humans
By: Emma Green
Updated: Aug. 13, 2021
I have a solid marriage. It’s happy and supportive. My partner treats me well, and I do the same for him. As a popular song puts it, “the foundation is strong.” We have three kids, each one a cherished part of our life plan. We envisioned exactly this family dynamic—two parents, three children, and a couple of dogs. We wanted it all.
But let me be clear: even in what I consider a “good” marriage, combining parenting with a relationship is tough.
Anyone who claims that managing children while nurturing an adult relationship doesn’t come with countless challenges is simply not being honest. Sure, there are beautiful and enriching moments in parenting, but there are equally monotonous and frustrating times. It’s unrealistic to think that the stress of parenting doesn’t impact your marriage. I refuse to believe that.
Can We Talk Openly About Marriage and Parenting?
Can we not have an open and honest discussion about marriage and parenting? It should be standard to admit openly to friends, family, and even on social media that the years spent raising children with a partner are filled with both joys and struggles. It’s completely normal for things to get tough. We shouldn’t feel pressured to follow up with reassurances about how much we love our partners or how great they are as parents. The polished images we present to mask our everyday challenges are isolating and inauthentic.
Especially on social media. Do influencers genuinely think they’re fooling anyone by portraying a couple with three kids spending idyllic moments together, like kissing in a field of flowers or getting matching tattoos that say “To Infinity” and “Beyond”? Meanwhile, we’re all just trying to manage diaper changes, apply sunscreen, and prepare chicken nuggets. Let’s be real.
It’s perfectly acceptable to simply say, “We’re facing some tough times in our marriage,” without feeling the need to list everything we love about our partner first. The challenges are widespread for many reasons.
Marriage and Parenting Are Costly
My partner is in the military, and I work as a freelance writer. Neither of our jobs is likely to make us wealthy. We manage fine, but there’s often little left for extras or those enriching activities that can boost a marriage.
We can’t just escape for a weekend to reconnect. We can’t regularly book hotel stays or hire a babysitter for a special date night. Instead, we navigate our challenges at home, which sometimes means those tough moments last longer or require more effort to work through—and that’s perfectly okay.
Kids Change Priorities
I can’t always be the partner I used to be, simply due to time constraints. While maintaining a healthy marriage is a priority for me, my children have urgent needs. I can’t ignore a dirty diaper, a child with a fever, or a backpack filled with forms to spend quality time with my husband. Our kids need meals, transportation, and playtime with us. We manage household chores, prepare for school, and keep everything running smoothly. A typical day can feel overwhelmingly busy when you’re working to keep kids happy and healthy.
We can’t always sit down to resolve every disagreement or frustration. We tackle the major issues and sometimes let the minor ones slide. Even when we do have time, we might lack the mental energy. After the kids are asleep, I sometimes just want to scroll through TikTok for a bit, while my husband prefers to catch up on work or relax with some TV. We need those moments of downtime—it’s exhausting to never have a second to unwind, and we can’t always address every little annoyance during those busy days.
Sometimes, we just have to let minor issues go. Yes, not addressing these smaller frustrations can lead to rough patches, but it doesn’t mean our love has diminished or that we’re contemplating separation. It’s merely a reflection of the reality faced by two people managing something significant and challenging together. Those small irritations can accumulate, and perceived imbalances in parenting duties can foster resentment. It won’t always feel like a honeymoon phase. When parenting gets complicated, we often have to press on together, and when we finally get a break, we can sort through the complications.
I often refer to the months following the birth of a baby as the “scratchy patch.” It’s not a crisis, but it’s not smooth sailing either. Welcoming a new baby can add stress—just like raising them can. It’s not always marital bliss—and that’s perfectly fine.
Every marriage experiences some strain when children are involved. I am unapologetic in admitting this without needing to defend our relationship or assure others that we’re not on the verge of divorce. Even the most loving, stable marriages face challenges. Yours, mine, and even that seemingly perfect couple on Instagram with their matching tattoos and picturesque photos.
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In summary, navigating marriage and parenthood is a complex journey filled with both joyful and challenging moments. The reality is that even in strong marriages, the combination of children and adult relationships can lead to difficulties. It’s essential to maintain an open dialogue about these challenges without the need for unnecessary reassurances.