The Unfiltered Reality of Being the Primary Caregiver

Let me be clear: I cherish my role as a mother. It’s a true blessing and a wonderful gift. Yet, it can also feel incredibly lonely and isolating. Being the primary caregiver is no easy feat.

I woke up at 5:00 AM today to feed my youngest and tend to my baby boy. By 7:00 AM, I was engaged in playtime with my oldest. I helped my daughter get dressed and served her some Cap’n Crunch. By 9:00 AM, I was diving into work—emails to answer, articles to write, deadlines looming over me. Did I mention this hectic routine started after yet another late night? I was up until 11:00 PM cleaning and catching up on household chores. Why? Because I’m the default parent, and it’s a demanding job.

What is a “Default Parent”?

Now, you might be wondering what a “default parent” is. I was just as puzzled the first time I heard the term. The default parent is the one who takes on (or is expected to take on) the bulk of the responsibilities related to the children. This role involves juggling schedules, managing doctor appointments, and being the go-to person when the kids fall ill. Default parents are often the ones preparing meals, overseeing chores like laundry, and constantly picking up toys—especially if they have toddlers like I do. We wear many hats: cooks, caregivers, teachers, and entertainers.

We also manage school pickups, extracurricular activities, and homework help. When daycare calls for an early pickup, we’re the ones who take time off work. We mend scrapes and comfort our little ones when they’re upset. The role of a default parent means being “on call” around the clock without the perks of sick days or holiday pay. We don’t get lunch breaks or even the luxury of a commute—something I would welcome just to enjoy a little quiet time.

The Isolation of Caregiving

Let’s be clear: I love being a mother, but it can be incredibly isolating. I don’t have to feel joyful about my job every single minute to be a good person or parent. The constant demands can lead to frustration and tension at home, especially since being the default parent means I handle the early mornings and late-night feedings. This can sometimes foster resentment towards my partner, as I find myself envious of his free time and adult life outside of constant caregiving.

Being the default parent also means I have to seek help, which can be infuriating. For instance, I can’t see my psychiatrist or therapist without arranging for someone to watch the kids. It’s not just inconvenient; it feels unfair. Unfortunately, many default parents are women, navigating both work and home responsibilities.

Consider the legal system: custody battles often favor mothers, reflecting the reality that, in most households, the primary caregiver is female. Whether by choice or circumstance, it feels like we are the ones carrying the weight of parenting.

Finding Joy in the Chaos

That said, I know my role is significant. I am loved and appreciated for all that I do—my youngest may not express it in words, but he gives me hugs and kisses, which are treasures in their own right. My daughter loves me dearly and often reminds me that I’m needed, and that is a wonderful gift.

However, like anyone, I crave moments of solitude. I enjoy quiet showers and using the bathroom without an audience. Sometimes, I wish for just one day where someone else could take on responsibilities like packing lunches or signing permission slips.

In an attempt to lessen my stress, I’ve started reaching out to my partner for support. I recognize that not everyone has this luxury, but I’m utilizing the resources available to me to become a more relaxed and present parent.

Additional Resources

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Summary

Being the default parent is a challenging and often isolating role that involves managing all aspects of child-rearing and household responsibilities. While it’s fulfilling, it can also lead to feelings of resentment due to the constant demands and lack of personal time. Seeking support from partners and utilizing available resources can help alleviate some of this stress.