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When your children are young and cling to you constantly, people often advise you to cherish these moments. “Once they hit their teenage years, they’ll want nothing to do with you,” they caution. This rings true. My 14-year-old was once the most attached baby, screaming whenever I set him down, practically glued to me for the first two years. Now, though, I find myself longing for his attention. He spends his days either socializing with friends or secluded in his room, chatting away.
“Can you get out of my room?” has become his most frequently uttered phrase. I expected this phase, and I understand that it’s a natural part of his journey to independence. I don’t take his need for space personally. I genuinely appreciate that he is making friends and carving out his identity as a young man. Yet, I find myself feeling a bit heartbroken. It may seem selfish, but as his mom, I want to feel needed. I used to complain about being on call all the time, but I never realized how much I would miss that sense of purpose.
Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist specializing in adolescents, reassures me that my feelings are common, as is my son’s behavior. Despite my perception, he still needs me—just in different ways. Even during those quiet times when I’m waiting for him to acknowledge my presence, I’m providing him with something essential.
Damour explains in The New York Times that teenagers don’t always share our enthusiasm for family bonding or feel like chatting. However, this doesn’t mean they don’t benefit from our presence. In fact, research shows that having at least one parent nearby during after-school and dinner hours is psychologically advantageous for teens. Damour emphasizes that simply being there—without attempting to engage too much—is often enough.
Our role as parents of teens resembles that of a potted plant sitting quietly on a windowsill. “Quality parenting of a teenager may sometimes require blending into the background like a potted plant,” she writes. I adore this metaphor. While teens may seem indifferent to us, they still need to know we are there, ready to step in if necessary. We are more like “on-call” parents than anything else.
I experienced this firsthand with my son recently. He participated in a play, which was a fantastic opportunity for him to socialize after a year of virtual school. He spent most of his time rehearsing and messaging friends, often barely responding to my inquiries about his day. I sensed he was happy but began to worry that I was losing touch with him. However, on the last night of the show, he came home exhausted and texted me, “I feel bad. Can you come?” He just wanted me to sit with him, bring him some tea and oatmeal, and chat for a bit before bed. Despite his earlier silence, he reminded me that he still needed me, if only for a moment.
This experience reinforced the idea that parenting a teen is about being a stable presence in their lives, much like a potted plant. They need to know they have a reliable person to lean on when they need it most. As parents, we must trust that by stepping back and allowing them to grow, we will witness them thrive.
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In summary, the journey of parenting a teenager is about providing a steady, supportive presence while allowing them the space to grow and assert their independence. Embracing the role of a “potted plant” can foster a healthy relationship as they navigate this crucial stage of life.