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Recently, I found myself in the kitchen with my tween, who was dramatically slamming things down and letting out exaggerated sighs. I took a deep breath, rolled my eyes, and calmly asked, “What’s wrong?” (though my tone was probably more strained than serene). The root of the issue? His beloved mechanical pencil—apparently a prized possession—was out of lead. I collected myself and suggested, “Can’t you just refill it?” This suggestion unleashed a torrent of frustration. To him, the world was crumbling, and he despised everyone in it.
I attempted to provide a simple fix: the next time we placed an order for drive-up pickup, I would buy some lead. You’d think this would bring some relief, but instead, my tween erupted. Whether it was hormones, anxiety, or just plain fatigue, I really wish someone had given me a heads-up about the emotional instability that comes with this age.
Brace Yourself for the Tween Years
Let’s get straight to the point. If you don’t have a tween yet but are on the brink of entering this phase, brace yourself. Honestly, everything is a challenge for tweens. For those already in the trenches, like me, it’s a bit frustrating that no one warned us that the tween years might be tougher than the teenage ones—this stage is hardly a breeze.
Tweens are typically aged between eight and twelve. One moment they’re playing with toys from years ago, and the next they’re demanding more independence, more possessions, more everything. Yet, they can crumble over the smallest inconveniences, as I witnessed with the mechanical pencil incident.
The Challenge of Reasoning with Tweens
Trying to reason with a tween is like trying to catch smoke with your bare hands. We have at least five hundred pencils at home. There are even other mechanical pencils with lead in them. But asking them to switch leads? That’s just too much to ask.
Tweens are on a whirlwind of emotions, navigating early puberty while their brains struggle to keep pace with their bodies. They start to forget basic skills they learned long ago and can oscillate between intense focus and complete distraction in an instant. Countless times, I’ve found myself asking, “Why did you do that?” Whether it’s wearing boots in August or arguing with their three-year-old sibling, getting answers is often futile. They genuinely don’t understand their actions, and more often than not, they deny them entirely.
What Can We Do About It?
We can all agree that the tween years are challenging. So, what can we do about it? We could respond with sarcasm or punishment, but in my experience, that leads nowhere. Punishing won’t accelerate brain development, and sarcasm often feels like teasing, which only angers tweens. While it might feel satisfying in the moment, it doesn’t yield any constructive outcomes.
First and foremost, understand that it’s perfectly normal for tweens to feel overwhelmed. They aren’t miniature adults; they’re still figuring things out. Recognizing that they are in a confusing phase helps us maintain our composure and work alongside them instead of against them.
I’ve found it effective to reassure my tween that their feelings are entirely normal. When I told him this, he responded with genuine surprise—an affirmation that they truly need to know they’re not alone in their struggles.
Practical Strategies for Support
Creating lists for tasks my tween frequently forgets has proven beneficial. They don’t absorb half of what we say, so visual reminders can help. Sticking a list on the bathroom mirror might improve the chances of them completing tasks. Furthermore, preparing in advance—like setting out clothes or charging their devices the night before—can alleviate morning chaos.
Encouragement over punishment works wonders. Instead of focusing on penalties for poor behaviors, we can help our tweens set and achieve goals. For instance, we devised a plan where if he saves his allowance for two months, we’d match it with some extra cash. So far, this strategy has been successful.
Even as they exhibit rebellious tendencies, tweens still require firm and consistent boundaries. One of my son’s peers lacks rules at home, leading to chaotic behavior. When boundaries are established, children are more likely to thrive, provided they have adequate support.
We should keep in mind that our tweens are not fully equipped to handle everything independently. Even the most straightforward situations can be perplexing for them. It’s essential for us as parents to remain present, even when they act as if we’re the most embarrassing people in their lives. The tween stage is an opportunity to engage in discussions, listen, and offer assistance when necessary.
Creative Communication
Lastly, think creatively about communication. If you’ve dealt with a tween, you’re familiar with the non-verbal cues of grunts and eye rolls. I’ve found that writing notes or having relaxed conversations—like chatting in bed—can foster better communication. Don’t wait for problems to arise; ask open-ended questions about their interests to strengthen your connection.
Even when we navigate the right path, our tweens will have tough days. While it’s tempting to retreat or react defensively during their emotional storms, these years are essentially training for the teen years. We must remain engaged for the sake of our relationship.
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Summary
Parenting a tween brings emotional challenges that can be overwhelming. Tweens often oscillate between childhood and the responsibilities of adolescence, leading to unpredictable behaviors and reactions. Understanding that this phase is normal can help parents navigate the turbulence with patience. By establishing routines, encouraging rather than punishing, and maintaining open lines of communication, we can support our tweens through their unique struggles.