Let’s Stop Comparing Our Pain — Grief Is Not a Contest

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It’s a Saturday morning, and I’m savoring a massive sandwich while overhearing a conversation at a nearby table. As egg and cheese dribble down my hands, I contemplate whether to reach for a stack of napkins or just grab a fork. Then, I catch wind of some unfortunate news.

A diner’s high-end power washer was stolen from her garage, and her companions respond with sympathetic “tuts” and promises of prayers. I can’t help but roll my eyes. Don’t these folks have real issues?

Unfortunately, I can’t restrict my judgment to strangers. There are moments when a friend or family member shares their personal troubles, and I find myself silently throwing stones. A lost tournament, a D+ grade, a house foundation disturbed by a pesky mole. A missed promotion, a beloved pet passing, a root canal gone wrong. While these are certainly setbacks, I can’t help but think that if their devastation is so grand when mild disappointment would suffice, it’s time for me to don my robe and gavel.

My tendency to judge intensified after my daughter received a diagnosis of cystic fibrosis. One moment, I was freaking out about work just like everyone else; the next, a doctor was sharing statistics that would reshape our family’s reality.

Other parents might relate: “Your child has to wear a mask to school? Get over it. My child has cancer.” But if my comparisons have taught me anything, it’s that there’s always someone facing a harsher reality.

I despise that COVID has stretched into another school year, but my kids have supportive teachers. What about the young girls in Afghanistan whose hopes for education have been dashed? My mom is battling cancer, but she has enjoyed 79 years filled with joy and love. What about the local teens whose lives were cut short by a drunk driver? My daughter lives with cystic fibrosis, yet she reads like a champ and joyfully speeds down the track. What about the friend who lost her child, or another who would give anything to have one?

Gaining this perspective can be beneficial, but it also risks overshadowing our own emotions. Feelings of frustration, anger, devastation, and grief are all valid and necessary. If we can’t acknowledge these feelings, how can we process them?

This habit can also create emotional distance from others. When I measure a loved one’s struggles against my own, I’m neglecting the shared humanity of suffering and failing to respond with compassion and empathy. In doing so, I rob both myself and my loved one of the chance to connect deeply.

There’s no universal measure for sadness. What may knock me down could merely be a speed bump for you. My hurdles might feel like a fire to you.

But honestly, does it matter? This isn’t a competition for grief. Sometimes, all we need to hear is, “That sounds tough, and I’m here for you.”

I’m working on putting away my scale of suffering. When someone shares their hardship, I’m trying to pause and recognize the thoughts that flit through my mind. Some are sensible; others aren’t. I often find an “It could be worse” thought mixed in there.

That’s perfectly fine. The more I acknowledge my tendency to compare, the more I can begin to release its grip on me. This allows me to return to what truly matters: loving myself, loving others, and accepting love in return.

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In summary, we must resist the urge to compare our grief. Each person’s pain is valid and deserves acknowledgment. Rather than competing in suffering, we should strive to support one another through our unique challenges.