Transformative Power of Trauma Therapy: My Journey

I began my trauma therapy journey about three months ago. The realization that my mother exhibited narcissistic traits led me to understand that many of my emotional struggles were rooted in a childhood filled with emotional neglect and abuse. This awareness unveiled my diagnosis of complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD). Unlike PTSD, which is linked to a single traumatic event, CPTSD arises from prolonged exposure to multiple traumatic situations, often beginning in childhood, as explained by VeryWell Mind.

Reflecting on My Childhood

Reflecting on my childhood, I recognized a multitude of traumatic experiences. I endured emotional abuse, from being blamed for my lack of friends to frequent insults about my intelligence and being labeled “too sensitive.” I was often pushed aside while my siblings received preferential treatment. My mother allowed my brother’s long hair to flourish while she unceremoniously cut mine. My parents disregarded my severe anxiety and depression, showering my brother with praise while I was only acknowledged for being thin. Even significant achievements like being invited to join Phi Beta Kappa in college went unnoticed by my mother, who dismissed my passion for writing in favor of suggesting a more ‘practical’ career in computer science.

These experiences left me feeling inadequate and devalued, with my emotions consistently invalidated. When I identified my CPTSD, I knew it was time to seek help. I reached out to a trauma therapist.

Understanding My Trauma Therapy

My sessions with my therapist occur weekly, with additional emergency sessions scheduled as needed. I initially thought our work would focus on surface issues, like my social isolation and untreated depression. However, we delved into past experiences that seemed trivial but contributed significantly to my trauma.

For instance, my name was chosen out of spite when my mother realized I was a girl instead of the boy she expected. I never had personal toiletries, always using my mother’s; I wasn’t taught essential self-care skills, and my aunt had to trim my nails before I could swim with other children. I discovered that these seemingly minor neglects shaped my identity. I often sought my mother’s approval, leading me to suppress my true self. For years, I wore a wig, longing for the long blonde hair my mother admired on my brother. I even convinced myself I hated certain foods and music simply because my mother did.

My therapist opened my eyes to these patterns, helping me realize that I had become a collection of trauma responses rather than an individual. This realization was overwhelming, often leaving me in tears, but it also provided comfort in knowing I wasn’t alone. “These feelings are common for children of narcissists,” she reassured me. “Your trauma is a part of you, but it doesn’t have to define you.”

Embracing Change

Change began gradually. I had a powerful emotional reaction when I learned the origins of my name. I always despised it, but therapy helped me understand that I deserved a name given with love. I settled on Zadie, a name I adore, and I won’t have to legally change it.

My attraction to long blonde hair was rooted in my mother’s preference for my brother’s style, not my own. Now, I’ve opted for a short black haircut as my natural hair grows out. I also confronted my obsession with weight, acknowledging it stemmed from my mother’s focus on thinness. While my eating disorder is still a challenge, understanding its origin has helped me manage it. I even discarded old jeans that represented a painful memory of approval from my mother.

I decided to try raw tomatoes, something I had convinced myself I hated. To my surprise, I liked them! Through therapy, I realized that my preference for the mountains over the beach was influenced by my mother’s dislikes; I now appreciate both equally.

Most importantly, trauma therapy reignited my passion for punk rock music. It had always been a personal love, but I had neglected it to please my mother. I began listening to new punk bands and even purchased clothes I was once denied. I started playing the drums, something I was never supported in as a child. I practice daily, reminding myself that every expert was once a beginner.

Thanks to trauma therapy, I’ve shed the belief that I am a failure. I’ve written for various publications, authored novels, and achieved academic honors. My therapist helped me realize that these negative beliefs were instilled by my upbringing. Now, when old feelings resurface, I can recognize their source and dismiss them.

Embracing My Authentic Self

At forty, I’ve spent years responding to trauma instead of embracing my genuine self. But through this journey, I’ve learned to disregard judgments about my appearance or choices. I’m unapologetically myself, embodying the spirit of my favorite underground punk band, You Over Me, which reminds me to embrace who I am without shame.

I celebrate my accomplishments, knowing that while challenges remain, I am on the path to rediscovering myself. I’m reclaiming my life, and that is worth everything.

For more insights on trauma therapy and its impact, check out this resource. You can also explore this informative article for guidance on home insemination techniques, as well as this podcast that discusses IVF and fertility preservation.

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Summary:

My journey through trauma therapy has unveiled deep-seated emotional wounds from childhood, stemming from a narcissistic upbringing. As I navigate this path, I’ve begun to reclaim my identity, embracing my interests and passions that were suppressed for years. This transformative process has allowed me to recognize my worth and live authentically, free from the constraints of my past.