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For the past few years, I’ve attempted to distance myself from Christianity repeatedly. Interestingly, my partner believes I’ve already made that shift. To him, Christianity hinges on outward signs—attending church, praying before meals, engaging in typical Christian activities. However, for me, Christianity represented a belief system focused on justice, equity, and reconciling humanity with the divine. From my viewpoint, straying from mainstream (primarily white, Western) interpretations of Christianity actually affirmed my faith.
So, no, I haven’t participated in those external markers of devotion, and while my partner recognized my departure from faith long before I did, severing ties with the concept of a deity—Christian or otherwise—has left me feeling unmoored. This belief has been ingrained in me for nearly forty years, with roots that run deep. Many of my past friendships blossomed in church pews and Bible study groups. Even my current relationships are partly based on shared faith, which, although not the sole reason, significantly centered around progressive values within a Christian framework. A lot of my social justice beliefs were shaped by the gospel—it was foundational, even if not the only influence.
It feels akin to a divorce when I, of all people, suddenly realize I’m “falling away” from my faith. In truth, I likely would have left much sooner had I not feared losing my community.
Recognizing the Toxicity
Yes, I know it sounds extreme to equate Christianity with an abusive relationship, but where’s the lie? Let’s examine some beliefs commonly held within this white, Western, patriarchal interpretation of Christianity:
- You are inherently sinful from birth.
- No one can love you as deeply as God does, and you won’t find that kind of love elsewhere.
- God sacrificed Himself for you because of your shortcomings.
- You must leave everything behind to follow Him for a new life.
- You’re told to abandon your old self and rely solely on God.
- Surrender control of your finances and life to God.
- Your love for others should never surpass your love for God—He is your only priority.
Christianity instills the belief that your heart belongs to God alone. But what happens when you no longer believe? How do you extract your heart without feeling like you’re dying? How is this not abusive?
Imagine a person demanding this level of devotion. If my child were in a relationship like this, I would urge them to escape immediately! A friend of mine pointed out that the evangelical portrayal of God often mirrors the traits of abusive, power-hungry men—self-absorbed and narcissistic. And she’s absolutely right.
Moreover, many churches propagate these harmful ideologies. Let’s quickly compare some traits of abusive individuals to those often found in churches:
- Humiliation and Undermining Self-Worth: Constant reminders of your sins, belittling your achievements by attributing them to divine intervention, and disparaging your character when you doubt or diverge from their beliefs—these are classic signs of abuse.
- Control and Shame: Churches employ tactics that threaten your salvation, dictating how you should act, and demanding financial contributions to demonstrate your faithfulness, effectively treating you like a spiritual child.
- Codependence: The message is clear: depend solely on God and distrust others, even for mundane decisions.
- Isolation: Christians are often instructed to separate themselves from the world, believing they are part of a divine kingdom, only accountable to God, who only communicates with the “worthy.”
- Gaslighting and Blame: When you question their behavior or seek to leave, you’re often met with accusations of sin, guilt-tripping you into compliance by highlighting how God has helped you, making you feel responsible for any suffering.
Is it any wonder that many individuals, particularly women of color and LGBTQIA+ folks, grapple with feelings of worthlessness? The church teaches that women are responsible for sin entering the world, that we are born sinful, and that we amount to nothing without Christ, who suffered tremendously for us. It feels as if we are painted as monsters.
Yes, I can hear the defensive responses already. I was once part of evangelism teams myself. Trust me, if arguments alone could lead someone to faith, many would have been convinced long ago. While I acknowledge that God holds a special place as a deity, why should I remain loyal to a being that embodies abusive traits?
Despite the long list of harmful behaviors attributed to Christianity, proponents often argue that it’s merely flawed individuals, not the faith itself. But how many times can we hear that excuse before it becomes apparent that maybe the issue lies within the religion itself? Perhaps the reason so many problematic individuals emerge from this faith is because the tenets of the faith are fundamentally flawed.
Maybe it’s not me at all. Maybe the real problem is Christianity itself.
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