I Shared Joyful Photos Online While Struggling With Postpartum Depression

My aunt has never offered me a compliment, but she hasn’t held back on her criticisms. One remark that lingers is when she expressed, “I hope you never become a parent.” But there was one thing she acknowledged I was good at—writing. After I assisted her daughter with her college application essay, she finally said something kind: “I hope you do something with this talent someday.”

Why share this? Despite her sentiment, I did become a parent—twice, in fact. Yet, behind the cheerful facade of motherhood I showcased on social media, there lurked a more painful reality: I was grappling with severe postpartum depression.

Understanding Postpartum Depression

Postpartum depression is often brushed off as just “the baby blues.” After my own delivery, I quickly Googled my tearful episodes and came across articles suggesting that it was just hormonal and would soon settle down. But what if those feelings didn’t ease? What if they escalated? People would comment on how I was “not adjusting well” or remark that my baby was “so easy” after a fleeting visit, despite my baby having cried for hours the day before.

In those moments, I withdrew. Engaging with others only intensified my fear that I was failing. I’d carry my fussy baby in a carrier, pacing the hallway as I waited for my partner to return home, feeling hollow. When he remarked that I seemed like a shell of my former self, I thought, “Shell” was a fitting description—fragile and on the verge of breaking. I hoped that things would improve after the newborn stage, all while presenting a smiling facade on social media, unaware that it might lead other new moms to feel isolated in their struggles.

The Challenge of Social Media

Social media poses a challenge: we compare our reality with others’ highlight reels. Looking back at the images I shared of my son, I can decipher the underlying truth behind my “lighthearted” captions.

Caption: Fast asleep now after being up all night!
Translation: I am utterly exhausted.
Caption: Silence, I say! (adorable photo with a mustache pacifier)
Translation: His screams are pushing me to my limits.

The posts continued until I reached a breaking point. I felt an overwhelming urge to escape, but instead, I made a pivotal choice and drove to my doctor’s office.

Upon arrival, I was too choked up to speak. That fragile shell had completely shattered. My doctor calmly diagnosed me with postpartum depression. I protested, insisting I didn’t want to harm my baby or myself; I just longed for my previous life.

I learned that postpartum depression doesn’t always fit the cinematic portrayal. Sometimes it hides behind a sequence of cheerful baby pictures on social media as a mother seeks connection amidst isolation. Other times, it manifests as a tear-stained reflection in the mirror.

Seeking Help

When I had my daughter a few years later, I anticipated the return of postpartum depression—and it hit me hard. I isolated myself, making excuses to avoid visitors who admired my tidy home, unaware that I had merely pushed the mess from sight into my mind.

This time, I recognized the warning signs and didn’t resist. I sought help to ensure I could fully enjoy my daughter’s infancy. This was my last opportunity, and I wouldn’t let it slip away.

Support can take various forms—therapy, medication, or simply being open about one’s feelings. It’s essential to find what works for you sooner rather than later for your well-being.

A Message to My Aunt

Now, back to my aunt. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I defied your wishes and became a parent. On difficult days, my kids might say I’m not their friend anymore, but most days, I am their comfort, their storyteller, their boo-boo kisser, and their entire world.

You’ll be glad to know I did take one piece of your advice: I’m writing this piece to let other moms know they’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed by motherhood and to offer support when the journey feels too much. Thank you for encouraging me to “do something with this.” If my words resonate with even one person, that’s the most meaningful affirmation you’ve ever given me.

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In summary, sharing my journey through postpartum depression highlights the disparity between our social media portrayals and the reality many mothers face. It’s vital to seek help and connect with others to navigate the challenges of motherhood.