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- My Daughters Keep Commenting on My Body
By Emily Carter
Updated: Sep. 9, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 9, 2021
Image Source: Aleksandar Nakic/Getty
I’ve struggled with body image issues for as long as I can remember. Back in my younger days, when I was active and played sports, I thought I was overweight. Honestly, I would give anything to be that “overweight” now that I’m in my thirties and have three kids.
I am acutely aware of my body image struggles, their irrationality, and their roots — primarily stemming from my upbringing. My parents, who never directly criticized my appearance, instilled a belief that beauty equates to thinness and that being overweight signifies laziness. This mindset is ingrained in me, making it hard to shake off despite knowing it’s not true. As I gained weight in adulthood, I found myself engaging in disordered eating patterns. Although it hasn’t spiraled out of control, it’s a struggle I continue to face.
As a mother of two daughters, I am determined that they grow up loving and accepting their bodies, no matter how they change. My husband understands my challenges and is supportive, so we’ve established clear guidelines. We never discuss body image in front of our kids, neither positively nor negatively. Our focus is on the functions of our bodies, not their appearances. We praise our daughters for their traits that remain constant, like their smiles and hair, and we keep body-related discussions off the table, even when it comes to public figures and celebrities.
The term “fat” is banned in our home, and we correct our daughters whenever they use it. I avoid dieting or weighing myself around them. I feel like I’m doing everything right—so why have they suddenly started making comments that feel like body shaming? Why is my history of disordered eating re-emerging in response to their innocent remarks?
My daughters, aged 8 and 6, seem to be taking turns with their comments. Thankfully, they don’t mean any harm, but their observations have been unrelenting. Here are just a few remarks I’ve heard in recent months:
- “Is your butt going to fit in that chair? Because it’s big.”
- “Are you going to break that pool floatie? Because you’re heavy.”
- “Your legs look weird and big in that.”
- “You look like you are pregnant.”
- “Why is your tummy so big?”
These comments are just a small sample. Each time, I feel tears welling up, and my body tenses. It’s a struggle not to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms. I calmly remind them that commenting on others’ bodies can be rude and make people uncomfortable. However, I haven’t shared just how deeply their words affect me, and there’s a reason for that: If I express that their comments about me being “big” hurt my feelings, I risk implying that being big is a bad thing.
It’s a delicate balance that is exhausting to maintain.
Just yesterday, I celebrated my 10-year wedding anniversary. After recently losing some weight through healthier choices, I sat down to enjoy a salad for lunch when my daughter, Lily, remarked, “Not to be mean, but your legs are really big.” In that moment, I glanced at my salad and questioned whether I should eat it at all. I had been looking forward to wearing a lovely dress for our anniversary dinner, but instead spent the evening feeling self-conscious and forcing myself to eat a normal meal.
I recognize that this is my personal battle and my children aren’t to blame. I want to guide them away from this kind of behavior without instilling any issues in them. Currently, though, I feel lost on how to approach this.
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Summary:
The author shares her ongoing struggle with body image, influenced by her upbringing and now exacerbated by her daughters’ seemingly innocent yet hurtful comments about her appearance. Despite her efforts to foster a positive body image in her children, she grapples with the emotional impact of their remarks and seeks to navigate this delicate situation without projecting her own insecurities onto them.