Navigating Life Without Medication

I’m navigating life without my medication for nearly a week, and my mental health is starting to falter. Despite this, it’s not all doom and gloom. Right now, I’m in a manic phase, which means I’m sleeping less and working more. My productivity has surged, with me tackling countless emails daily and producing over a dozen articles each week. I’ve even shed some pounds and am exercising obsessively. The only thing racing faster than my legs is my mind. I feel euphoric, as if I’m on top of the world. But along with this high, I’m also hearing voices once again. Yes, I’m dealing with auditory hallucinations.

Understanding Auditory Hallucinations

When people typically think about hallucinations, they often envision visual ones—like that iconic child from ‘The Sixth Sense’ who sees spirits or that adventurous uncle who experiments with psychedelics at Burning Man. However, I don’t see things; I hear voices—snippets of conversations from the past, present, and future. While this might sound unsettling, it’s not necessarily frightening in the moment. My hallucinations feel like I’m eavesdropping on two friends chatting in a grocery store.

It’s akin to being on a phone call where you can’t quite hear the other person clearly. At times, I feel as though I’m conversing with my therapist and psychiatrist, but it’s all happening in my mind. The background noise resembles a TV or a radio station that only I can tune into. Most of the time, I hardly notice these voices; they blend into my reality as naturally as my own limbs.

Some of these voices are relatively benign, while others can be bothersome yet non-threatening. A few even offer helpful advice—guiding my actions and emotions. However, there are also cold and critical voices that mock and belittle me. Regardless of their nature, they are always present, whether as companions or adversaries.

Living with Bipolar Disorder

I understand this may sound irrational, but it is part of my diagnosis: bipolar disorder with mixed moods. I also contend with PTSD and anxiety, the latter of which sometimes leads me to have frantic conversations with myself. When combined with auditory hallucinations, it can become overwhelming—like trying to focus on a single note amidst a cacophony at a concert.

As noted in an article on Healthline, “Psychosis is a symptom of a condition, not a disorder. People experiencing psychosis may have hallucinations or delusions.” Those with bipolar disorder may experience psychosis during severe episodes of mania or depression, and this rings true for me. The voices tend to manifest when I’m manic or off my meds.

The Role of Medication

The silver lining is that my medication significantly helps in managing these voices. When I adhere to my treatment, I can quiet the chaotic chatter in my mind. However, stress can trigger the return of these voices, and during bouts of depression, I sometimes neglect my medication. When I feel too low to care, I choose sleep over taking my pills. Mania presents its own challenges, convincing me that I don’t need my medication and that these “voices” are friends. Thus, I find myself in a cycle of conflict, frequently engaging in conversations with inanimate objects around me.

Healthline further explains, “Psychosis in bipolar disorder can happen during manic or depressive episodes but it’s more common during episodes of mania.” It’s a misconception that psychosis occurs suddenly; it generally develops gradually, influenced by factors like sleep deprivation or fluctuating hormone levels. Interestingly, research indicates that females are more prone to experience bipolar psychosis than males.

Continuing the Fight

Despite these challenges, I continue to fight. Even while off my meds, I strive to maintain my well-being. Sometimes, the “voices” are my foes, but at other times, they feel like my oldest companions.

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Summary

The author shares their experience with bipolar disorder and the auditory hallucinations that accompany it. While grappling with the challenges of their mental health, they highlight the dual nature of their hallucinations—sometimes supportive, sometimes critical. Despite being off medication, they strive to navigate life and maintain their well-being.