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It’s the end of the third week of school for my children, and I’m feeling utterly drained. Let me clarify: my kids are thriving. After being out of school since March 2020, they are overjoyed to return. They don’t mind wearing masks all day, they’re excited to socialize with peers rather than just family, and surprisingly, they haven’t complained much about their schoolwork—at least, not yet!
While they are doing well, I find myself in a different place. Navigating parenting during a pandemic is undeniably stressful, and I have battled anxiety for most of my life. With a panic disorder as part of my history, my fear of illness, particularly regarding my loved ones, is a constant source of distress.
So yes, I am not okay. I experience genuine panic attacks several times every week.
My children’s schools are implementing all the right measures to keep COVID at bay, which should provide some comfort. They have a mask mandate, improved ventilation systems, classrooms with open windows, and properly spaced desks. Last year, the schools operated with minimal transmission, or so I’ve been informed.
However, there are countless things that could go wrong—and it’s not just my anxiety speaking. The delta variant is more contagious than the strains present last year, and while the district’s guidelines are sound in theory, they aren’t infallible.
Every day brings new triggers for my anxiety. For instance, just this past Monday, I received a call from the school psychologist informing me that my unvaccinated fourth grader had been visiting the nurse’s office frequently. I’m aware he tends to do this when he’s trying to avoid schoolwork or feels overwhelmed.
The psychologist wanted to discuss strategies to help my son cope more effectively. However, he also pointed out that the nurse’s office is not the safest place for him to be during this pandemic. “Today, there were two kids in there with fevers while your son was waiting to see the nurse,” he said.
Cue the panic.
I immediately thought the worst—that my son might have contracted COVID. My anxiety spiraled out of control, and I felt my heart race while I made frantic trips to the bathroom.
After regaining my composure, I called the school for clarity. The school nurse informed me that there was only one child with a fever in the office at the time, and that child had already gone home with a negative COVID test. Later, my son mentioned he had only spent about 30 seconds in the nurse’s office before being sent out due to overcrowding.
Crisis averted, or so I thought. Later that day, my older son came home and mentioned that a classmate had been coughing for five minutes, sending my anxiety spiraling once more. (It’s now been five days, and while I haven’t heard of any COVID cases in his school, I’m still holding my breath.)
Not every day brings such alarming events, but it often feels like there’s always something. Since school resumed, I’ve received multiple notifications about students and teachers testing positive for COVID. My kids have mentioned several instances of peers and teachers either improperly wearing masks or removing them altogether. Each morning when I drop my son off at the bus, there’s typically at least one child with their mask below their nose.
And let’s not forget that my kids occasionally sneeze or cough for various reasons. How am I supposed to relax? How can I not feel a surge of anxiety?
I know I need to find a way to cope. These triggers are likely to continue throughout the school year—at least until the pandemic is under control or my youngest child can be vaccinated, whichever comes first.
I do have strategies in place to manage my anxiety: I see a therapist, practice breathing techniques, use positive self-talk, and lean on friends for support. I understand that sending my kids to school is the best choice right now. My husband and I are vaccinated, as is our teenager. Rationally, I recognize that the safety measures in place at school should work effectively, and while there’s a chance my children could contract COVID, it’s unlikely.
I also realize that while I might be tempted to keep my kids sheltered at home, that’s not what’s best for them at this time. Eighteen months of isolation served its purpose, but it was crucial for them to reconnect with their peers. Their mental health was taking a hit.
Now it feels like the roles have reversed; my kids are doing better, but my own mental well-being is deteriorating. I hope this adjustment will become easier with time. Perhaps I’ll learn to suppress my panic when I see a mask slipping on the bus. Maybe I can remind myself that, come what may, my family will most likely be okay.
Regardless, this whole situation is incredibly challenging. I’m not cut out for this pandemic schooling, and I honestly don’t know how much longer I can endure it. I just want this to be over.
Summary
The article discusses the challenges faced by a parent whose children are happy to return to in-person schooling after a lengthy pandemic hiatus, while the parent struggles with anxiety and panic attacks. The parent acknowledges that the school is taking appropriate safety measures, yet remains uneasy due to the inherent uncertainties of the pandemic, including the risks of COVID-19 transmission. Despite the children’s improved mental health, the parent’s anxiety has worsened, reflecting the emotional toll of navigating parenting during these uncertain times.