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In the upcoming month, I will celebrate fifteen years of marriage, having spent three years with my husband before that. Sharing life with the same person for nearly half of it truly deepens your understanding of each other. I can’t imagine who I would be without him, and I hope I never have to find out. He is a wonderful and supportive partner who loves me as I deserve to be loved. I strive to be a great wife, knowing what he needs, and together we make a great team. Our goal is to remain in love as we grow old together, which has led us to learn the importance of authentic forgiveness, even when it feels incredibly challenging.
Of course, we weren’t always experts in this area. We married at 21 and spent our early twenties navigating the complexities of adult relationships with still-maturing minds and personalities. We had to figure out our identities, encountering plenty of growing pains along the way. Yet, amidst this journey, we unintentionally stumbled upon some effective strategies for maintaining our bond.
Recently, I came across an intriguing article by writer and professor Arthur Brooks, who discusses different types of forgiveness and their impact on relationships. I found myself reflecting on my own experiences with forgiveness, feeling proud of my ability to nurture my relationships and maintain my peace. However, what he said next made me squirm.
He delved into two types of toxic, superficial forgiveness that can wreak havoc on relationships, and I immediately recalled instances where I fell into these traps. Trust me, nothing positive came from those experiences.
For more details on the healthy forms of forgiveness, I highly recommend reading Arthur Brooks’ column—it’s worth the few minutes of your time. To summarize swiftly, forgiveness can take many forms: having open discussions, expressing affection without words (think make-up intimacy), offering genuine verbal forgiveness, or practicing minimization, where you consciously decide to let things go without making a fuss.
Toxic, Fake Forgiveness
Now, let’s address the issue of toxic, fake forgiveness, which can be detrimental to any relationship. Recognizing what it looks like is half the battle.
Before diving in, a key distinction: everything I’m about to discuss pertains solely to healthy, meaningful relationships that you want to preserve. These are relationships where both parties are generally loving, respectful, and kind, but have encountered a bump in the road. Actively opting for genuine forgiveness over toxic, fake alternatives is crucial for nurturing relationships worth saving.
Some relationships may not warrant the effort to find a way to forgive. While I haven’t reviewed scientific studies on this, my personal experience leads me to believe that forgiveness and reconciliation should not be conflated. I grew up in a context where individuals were pressured to overlook serious wrongdoings in the name of forgiveness to hold onto the relationship. Respectfully, that’s misguided. If someone has wronged you, it’s okay to remain angry. Use that anger to protect yourself. Abusers do not deserve forgiveness.
Forms of Toxic Forgiveness
Now, back to the topic of toxic, fake forgiveness. Let’s explore two forms of it.
First, we have conditional forgiveness. According to Brooks, this type involves deferring vindication and placing stipulations on forgiveness. It feels like the toxic counterpart to a healthy conversation. Instead of engaging in an honest dialogue, you attempt to feel in control by saying, “I’ll forgive you when you meet my list of demands, and not a moment sooner.” While we might not articulate it that way, imposing a long list of conditions on forgiveness essentially amounts to this.
I can admit that I have done this before, and it’s embarrassing to recall. This approach merely allows you to stay angry or hurt while attempting to maintain a relationship with the person who has wronged you. How can anything positive arise when you’re trying to move past an offense without truly addressing it? Choosing genuine communication to reach authentic forgiveness is undoubtedly more challenging but has been proven to be healthier for relationships.
The second type of fake forgiveness is pseudo-forgiveness. If conditional forgiveness resembles a failed discussion, pseudo-forgiveness is akin to minimization. Instead of genuinely deciding that the relationship matters more than the conflict and choosing to move on for the sake of love, you simply suppress your feelings and remain silently resentful.
Do I really need to explain why this is a terrible approach? Walking around with unexpressed anger while pretending everything is fine can lead to relationship disaster. If you’re too upset to let something go, then minimization is not the correct strategy. You deserve better than silently harboring feelings of resentment, and so does your partner.
Research supports the notion that fake forgiveness is detrimental to relationships. While I’m no scientist, I would argue that outright stating your refusal to forgive would be less damaging than engaging in conditional forgiveness. If you aren’t ready to forgive someone, communicate that! At least everyone is approaching the issue from a place of honesty. If you need time, express that. Remember, healthy discussions are a form of authentic forgiveness, and it’s perfectly acceptable to acknowledge you’re not there yet.
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Conclusion
In summary, understanding the difference between genuine forgiveness and toxic, fake forgiveness is crucial for the health of your relationships. Acknowledging your feelings and communicating openly can pave the way for deeper connections and emotional growth.