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I struggle with generalized anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). A significant symptom of both conditions is overthinking, which feels like an overwhelming burden. Overthinking is characterized by a relentless cycle of negative thoughts that replay in your mind repeatedly. For me, it’s like being trapped in a hellish loop, unable to find an escape because these thoughts are firmly lodged in my brain, and there’s no off switch. I’m constantly at the mercy of my own mind.
I’m not exaggerating; this is genuinely how it feels to endure such torment. There are moments when the intensity lessens, allowing me to loosen the tension in my shoulders slightly. I can enjoy brief periods free from worries about job security, health issues, and existential dread. However, once triggered, the cycle becomes so acute that it takes over my life completely.
I can put on a brave face and manage to function. I work, drop my kids off at school, prepare their lunches, and assist with homework. I shuttle them to appointments, host meetings, exercise, and try to carve out quality time with my partner. My life is filled with many blessings. But I would be lying if I didn’t admit that anxiety steals so much from me. There are countless moments snatched away as I am paralyzed by an unexplainable fear or trapped within my own thoughts. There are times when I am physically present but unable to engage fully because I’m lost in a whirlpool of unanswerable questions and negative self-talk.
For me, overthinking is the most debilitating symptom of anxiety. It’s the one thing that medication and therapy have struggled to alleviate, unlike other symptoms that can be more easily managed. It affects my energy, patience, and sleep quality.
With numerous changes happening in my life right now, it tends to trigger my overthinking. My mind spirals into catastrophic scenarios: What if my kids get COVID-19 from a classmate and become severely ill? What if they unknowingly transmit it to someone else? What if I lose my job and our health insurance, leaving us unable to afford necessary medical care? What if I can’t find another job, and we lose our home? What if I die, and my children are left without me, the person who loves them most in the world?
I often find myself fixating on intense and distressing thoughts. While these scenarios may seem unlikely, they feel like tangible possibilities when my mind becomes consumed with them. Sometimes, I dwell on smaller issues or situations that have alternative solutions, yet they still feel overwhelmingly exhausting because I can’t see beyond my intrusive thoughts.
Overthinking leaves me feeling powerless, and it’s an incredibly frustrating experience. It takes my usually outgoing and optimistic nature and makes me want to retreat from everyone and everything. It breeds anger, which I then misdirect towards those I care about, like my partner and kids. This, in turn, amplifies my anxiety, perpetuating the cycle of overthinking.
I discussed my current mental state with a friend recently, acknowledging that I’m trapped in an overthinking loop. I described it like this: “You know how sometimes a red light catches you off guard? The car in front of you slams on its brakes, and you instinctively brace for impact? You hold your body tight, overwhelmed with fear of a collision. Then, you realize your brakes work, and you relax. Well, I feel like I’m constantly in that braced position. That moment lasts for weeks or even months, with no relief. I can’t just move on.”
This metaphor captures my experience well. I feel stuck in that moment, perpetually ready for impact without knowing what it might be or if it will ever happen. The intensity of it all leads to physical pain: jaw aches, headaches, and muscle tension. I carry knots in my back as big as baseballs. Anxiety doesn’t just affect the mind; it manifests physically, too.
I haven’t discovered a magic solution—because there isn’t one. Everyone copes with anxiety and OCD differently. For me, medication is vital, and therapy is incredibly beneficial. Since I can’t simply turn off my thoughts, I focus on addressing the physical ailments that arise from my overthinking. I find joy in moving my body through stretching and cardio. I indulge in deep tissue massages when possible for some tangible relief. I lose myself in fiction books, binge-watch reality TV, write, and take my kids to the park. I also take drives while listening to true crime podcasts.
Meditation remains a challenge for me. I haven’t figured it out yet, despite its popularity. I can’t quiet my mind, so the thoughts I try to escape from inevitably intrude, making it difficult for me to meditate effectively. Right now, that’s not part of my self-care routine.
If you’re facing similar struggles, know that your coping mechanisms may differ from mine. You might find meditation helpful. I believe professional healthcare should be a priority for everyone, and I wish it were more accessible. Ultimately, it’s about discovering what works for you. These coping strategies may only provide temporary relief, but that respite is worth pursuing.
Those of us dealing with mental health challenges often experience fluctuations; we hit highs, and things improve for a time, but we know the lows will return. For me, anxiety and OCD are constants, and during peak times, I become ensnared in these cycles of overthinking that affect my daily life, self-worth, and well-being. It’s a painful experience. I want off this rollercoaster. But for now, I brace for impact.
If you find yourself in the same position, know that I see you. Together, we can navigate this.
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Summary:
In this candid reflection, Emma Johnson shares her struggles with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD, focusing on the debilitating impact of overthinking. She describes the relentless cycle of negative thoughts that can feel all-consuming and how it affects her daily life. Despite finding ways to manage her symptoms through various activities, she emphasizes the challenge of coping with intrusive thoughts and the physical toll of anxiety. Emma encourages others who face similar challenges to seek their own coping mechanisms and assures them they are not alone.