If Your Teenage Son Is Tight-lipped About His Love Life, Don’t Take It Personally

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My son was once that kid who couldn’t help but share every detail about his life. He’d enthusiastically tell anyone that my “pee-pee was made out of hair” and had no qualms about asking if they experienced “smelly bleed,” which is just a euphemism for menstruation, in case you were wondering. I could fill you in on countless other stories from those early years, but I’ll refrain for now.

He was an open book for quite some time. My son isn’t shy; he can deliver a witty comeback without missing a beat and has no hesitation discussing even the most embarrassing topics. It seemed impossible to embarrass him, and nothing was off-limits — until he fell in love over a year ago.

When I see him now, I still see my little boy in a grown man’s body. He has a strong sense of self and loves to express his thoughts. We’ve always shared a close bond, and he typically comes to me during tough times. While he has occasionally taken some time to open up about what’s bothering him, he has always let me in — except when it comes to his romantic life.

These days, he doesn’t just shut down; he gets frustrated when I ask about his girlfriend. At one point, he even tried to keep us apart until she insisted on being included in his family life. When she started visiting more often, I noticed he seemed anxious and tense. I took this personally, especially since his girlfriend was eager to share details about their relationship, which only added to my confusion.

I also realized that he began to shy away from my affection, often backing away when I reached for a hug or kiss. We’ve always had open discussions about various topics, including sex, so his sudden silence on the matter was puzzling and frustrating.

I eventually talked to a friend who has a 20-year-old son in a relationship, and she shared that she’d experienced similar challenges. Her son struggled to balance his long-standing relationship with her and the new romantic bond he was forming. I mentioned this to my ex-husband, who couldn’t help but laugh — a laugh I recognized as uncomfortable. He recounted a story about how, after we started dating, he felt it was inappropriate for his mom to show him affection in public.

Both my friend and ex-husband helped me understand that it can be difficult for teenage boys to navigate the closeness of their relationship with their mothers while embracing new love interests. I’ve realized it’s important not to take his withdrawal personally. Although I might feel displaced at times — he often seeks his girlfriend’s opinion on what to wear and listens to her more attentively than he does me — I still have a significant role in his life.

Our discussions about how he should treat women and understand relationships are far from over. Just because he appears happy and engaged in his relationship doesn’t mean that my guidance is no longer needed. He is still my teenage son, and I won’t stop engaging in these crucial conversations.

I’ve come to view his girlfriend as an ally and a support system in helping me reach out to him when necessary. I won’t see her as someone who has taken him away from me; rather, I recognize that this shift is a natural part of his development. I don’t need to be privy to every thought and feeling he has about his relationship. I’ve made it clear that I’d like to hear some highlights and that he can come to me anytime.

After we established this understanding, I agreed to back off a bit, and he promised to keep me somewhat updated. So far, this approach seems to be working.

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In summary, while it can be challenging when your teenage son becomes secretive about his love life, it’s essential to remember that this is a normal part of growing up. Maintaining open communication and understanding his need for space can help you both navigate this transition effectively.