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I felt it necessary to reach out ahead of time to explain why my typically well-mannered daughter might find herself in a bit of trouble at school today.
During dinner last night, my daughter shared that her worst moment at school involved a classmate named “Max” who kept touching her while they were in line. She told him to stop, but he just mocked her, repeating “stop it, stop it,” while continuing to invade her personal space. Although this may seem minor in the kindergarten setting, such behaviors, if left unchecked, can contribute to larger issues later in life.
I understand that your role is challenging; as a kindergarten teacher, you are not only responsible for educating young minds but also for guiding their social interactions and managing unpredictable behaviors. According to my daughter, “Max” often requires redirection, and his interactions with classmates can be difficult.
As a pediatric psychologist, I recognize that children who act out often have their own struggles—issues with self-regulation, inconsistent parenting, family stress, or even exposure to trauma. It’s important to separate a child’s actions from their character; they are not inherently “bad.”
However, I have also worked with children who find themselves on the receiving end of such behavior. Some express their feelings verbally, while others remain silent, feeling ignored. For every child who expresses themselves outwardly, there is another who internalizes their feelings, often out of fear. I can relate to that; I was once the girl who stayed quiet to avoid conflict, learning to shrink and blend into the background. But that’s no way to live.
Children should learn that they have intrinsic worth and the right to occupy space in the world. They need to understand the importance of personal boundaries and feel empowered to assert them. My daughter knows that her body belongs to her; she shouldn’t feel obligated to give hugs or allow anyone to touch her in a way that makes her uncomfortable. Yet, she is still learning what it means to take up space in this world. Research shows that girls often face social pressures that teach them to be accommodating, while boys are encouraged to assert themselves.
When I asked my daughter what she did after “Max” continued to invade her personal space, she just shrugged and looked down. At just five years old, she is already beginning to shrink her boundaries and silence her voice to please others.
That’s why I encouraged her to stand up for herself.
Ideally, her words should be heard and respected from the start. But if her personal space is invaded and her requests are ignored, she has my full support to respond as she sees fit. She understands that she can approach you as a trusted adult, but we also know that sometimes that isn’t enough. There have been occasions when she has been reprimanded for stepping out of line to help a friend or retrieve something. We often overlook context in our rigid adherence to rules.
I want my daughter to feel empowered to speak up, and I respect your authority as her teacher. However, when boundaries are unfairly drawn or inconsistently enforced, she has permission to redefine them. I recognize her temperament is more inclined toward obedience rather than rebellion. If she were more aggressive, I would emphasize emotional regulation, but she already possesses those skills.
My daughter knows she has options if “Max” continues to overstep boundaries. Whether she chooses to assertively say “stop!” or utilize her tae kwon do training to reclaim her space, I support her decision. She understands that actions have consequences, and although she might face repercussions for defending herself, remaining passive carries its own risks.
I’m not advocating for unnecessary violence, nor do I ignore the wisdom of turning the other cheek. However, I believe, as Ecclesiastes states, that there is a time for everything—a time to speak up and a time to stand firm. Teaching children to enforce their boundaries early can lead to a future where the narrative shifts from #metoo to #notme.
I am raising my daughter to confidently occupy her space in the world and to have a voice she isn’t afraid to use. I am fostering her respect for boundaries while encouraging her not to be confined by those that are drawn poorly or inconsistently enforced.
So, Teacher, now you know my daughter’s position. Whether she’s in line or out, I support her all the way.
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Summary:
This letter addresses a kindergarten teacher about a child’s experience with boundary invasion by a classmate. It emphasizes the importance of teaching children to assert themselves and understand their rights to personal space while respecting authority. The author supports the child’s right to defend herself and encourages her to feel empowered in her interactions, recognizing the complexities of childhood behavior.