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My children are in mourning—a state they’ve been in for almost four years. If we include the anticipatory grief, it stretches to nearly six. This means that for four years, I have been raising children who are navigating grief, even before they had the words to define it.
In the initial days following their father’s passing, the grief was raw and palpable. It manifested in tears, outbursts, and stomachaches that struck in the middle of the night. My parenting style shifted to accommodate this intense, visible sorrow. Every decision—whether to grab breakfast at a diner or allow a friend to sleep over—was made with an acute awareness of their fragile emotional state. When my son misbehaved, instead of reacting with frustration, I embraced him until his overwhelming emotions calmed. I approached my daughter’s slammed doors with a gentle tone, and I allowed for extra treats, often overlooking a messy playroom. From the outside, it may have appeared that I was permitting them to act without consequences, but this was a deliberate choice. I understood that I couldn’t discipline a tantrum or a closed door in the same way as before; the root cause had transformed. Their grief guided my parenting decisions.
As time has passed, their grief has become less overt. They experience happiness more frequently, and they can reminisce about their father without their voices quivering. However, their feelings of loss can still emerge unexpectedly, as illustrated by my daughter’s recent writing assignment. She chose to write about her father’s battle with cancer, recalling moments I thought she had put behind her—the times when his anger flared due to medication and when his frustration peaked as he struggled to communicate. Reading her essay broke my heart, reminding me that their grief remains ever-present, deeply embedded in their hearts and minds.
With this shift in their grief, my parenting has also evolved. The days of indulgent treats at all hours are behind us. They are now expected to tidy up after themselves and contribute to household chores. Tantrums and poor choices are addressed with discussions and appropriate discipline, depending on the specific situation. While it may look like I’m parenting in a straightforward manner, the reality is that their grief still influences our lives, subtly but significantly. It seeps into various moments, affecting their behavior. When my son lashes out, I often ponder if grief is stirring beneath the surface. Did he just leave a gathering filled with friends and their fathers? Did my daughter hear her friends talk about their fathers dancing, evoking painful memories?
Parenting children who are grieving means that their feelings shape even my smallest decisions. Their loss is always on my mind.
To outsiders, it might appear that I’m still overly protective or making excuses for their misbehavior. That’s not the case. They have boundaries and maintain social lives; they are kids living with a layer of grief at their core. They will always be grieving, which means I will continually parent grieving children, and that will be reflected in my approach. I’m not the same parent I was in the early days of our loss, and I’m also not the parent I might have been without this experience.
Some losses inevitably alter our lives—how we live, eat, sleep, and perceive the world. The grief stemming from such losses is unending. It changes shape over time, but it’s always there, impacting our lives. The grief and loss have permanently reshaped my children’s childhoods; they will never be the same kids they could have been. Consequently, my parenting style has also transformed. I will never return to the parent I might have been.
This method of parenting can be exhausting, filled with second-guessing and uncertainty. Yet, there’s something uniquely rewarding about it. I strive to parent with intention, remaining attuned to their emotional needs. Though perfection is unattainable, I always endeavor to ensure my children feel heard, protected, and nurtured in a home that fosters empathy. This was a goal I had even before grief entered our lives.
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Summary:
Parenting grieving children requires a compassionate approach, as their feelings of loss profoundly influence everyday decisions. Over time, while their grief may become less visible, it remains a constant presence that shapes their experiences and behavior. This journey can be challenging and exhausting, yet it encourages a deeper emotional connection and empathy within the family.