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Last Saturday evening, my partner went to an event in the city for the first time since the pandemic began. After 18 long months of limited social interaction, this felt like a significant milestone. He was thrilled, and I was genuinely happy for him. Admittedly, I had some anxiety about COVID. He’s vaccinated, and everyone at the event would be too, plus it was outdoors. Still, I couldn’t shake the worrying thoughts, so I went over safety protocols with him, like keeping some distance and wearing a mask when necessary.
As he left, I anticipated a twinge of concern, but instead, I felt a wave of relief. Unlike me, he’s an extrovert, and I knew that socializing would rejuvenate him. However, that sense of relief also brought back memories of how I used to feel when our kids were young and I dreaded being alone with them at night.
That may sound a bit irrational, right? We were both adults, and I was perfectly capable of taking care of our children without him. I should have been fine with him going out occasionally. But during that period, I was grappling with undiagnosed postpartum anxiety, and I didn’t even realize it.
When my first child was born, I began experiencing symptoms of postpartum anxiety: obsessive thoughts, sleeplessness, and more. I attributed it to the challenges of new motherhood and sleep deprivation, dismissing it as normal. It wasn’t until my son was about two and a half that things escalated. I went through an early miscarriage the same week my son fainted during a bath. Thankfully, both situations turned out fine, but the emotional toll triggered a full-blown anxiety episode.
Those months of worry, compounded by chronic sleep deprivation, culminated in a state of constant anxiety. I began having regular panic attacks and felt detached from reality, which only fueled my anxiety further.
One of my greatest fears at that time was being left alone with my son, particularly at night. My child was a notoriously poor sleeper. Many toddlers struggle with sleep, but my son was exceptionally difficult. Even at two years old, he would wake multiple times during the night, and getting him to sleep was always a monumental task. It often took us one to two hours of rocking, shushing, and storytelling to get him to settle down.
While my husband was around, I felt a bit more at ease. He was a fantastic partner during bedtime rituals, and our son often seemed to fall asleep faster with him. The support of having someone else to share the struggle was invaluable. But when my husband was away, I felt utterly overwhelmed. I remember a weekend when he attended a college reunion. I was so anxious about being alone that I almost asked him to stay, but ultimately, I let him go.
That choice didn’t alleviate my anxiety. On one particular night, I came home with my son and stood at the door fumbling with the keys. My heart raced, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The thought of spending the entire evening and night alone with my son was paralyzing.
This was just one of many similar experiences. Anytime I faced the prospect of being alone with my son for extended periods, especially at night, I was gripped by fear.
Let me be clear: I loved my son dearly and was more than capable of caring for him. My anxiety was the real issue, spiraling out of control. I kept my feelings to myself for a long time, burdened with guilt and shame. The thought that I was struggling with something I felt I should handle comfortably only intensified my anxiety.
Fortunately, I eventually sought help for my postpartum anxiety. I returned to therapy, which was incredibly beneficial. Within weeks, my panic attacks eased, my feelings of dissociation diminished, and my fear of being alone with my son subsided.
It also helped that my son became a bit easier to put to bed during this time. While anxiety can exaggerate challenges, it’s worth noting that having a child who takes hours to fall asleep every night isn’t typical. I was justified in feeling stressed about it, but the sheer panic I experienced when my husband was unavailable was irrational.
Even years later, I’ve never fully shared just how terrified I was during that time of being alone with my child. Despite knowing my fears were unfounded and that I am a capable mother, I still feel anxious about opening up. However, I realize that many other mothers might be experiencing similar feelings. Postpartum anxiety is real, and it can lead you to believe thoughts and feelings that don’t reflect reality, making you feel like you’re failing.
Many parents have similar fears and anxieties. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by being alone with your child or any other aspect of parenting, please understand you are not alone. You are not failing. And I urge you to seek help.
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In summary, the journey of motherhood can be fraught with anxiety, especially in the early years. Understanding that you are not alone and seeking help can make a significant difference.