artificial insemination kit for humans
Trigger warning: pregnancy and infant loss
This marks the fifth consecutive year that I’ve been unable to participate in the local Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day walk near my hometown. I did attend for two years post my daughter’s passing, but I left after just fifteen minutes. So, I don’t think that truly counts since there was no walking, balloon releases, or socializing involved.
My daughter passed away the day after Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, making this week particularly challenging for me. When you add in a large event filled with other mourning mothers, it becomes emotionally overwhelming.
Throughout my journey of grief, I’ve struggled to form lasting friendships with other bereaved mothers, despite yearning for that connection. Many grieving parents I’ve encountered, though not all, tend to align themselves with others who share similar losses—whether that’s late miscarriage, early miscarriage, stillbirth, or losing an older child. I completely understand that sentiment. However, I sometimes wish there was more room for parents like me who have experienced “atypical” losses too.
I frequently speak about my daughter’s loss, but less often do I mention that I had a miscarriage before anyone recognized me as a mother. For months, I cried into my pillow every night, the deep, heart-wrenching sobs that only those who’ve experienced it can truly understand. I felt immense anger with every pregnancy announcement I saw, and I was deeply depressed, all while being quite young. When you’re young and experience a miscarriage, people are quick to point out the “bright side.” The issue was that it didn’t feel like there was one at all.
In the wake of my miscarriage, I found limited support. I hadn’t even heard of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day—such was my disconnect. It seemed like I wasn’t far enough along to receive a warm welcome from the “miscarriage group” of grieving mothers, almost as if my grief was less valid because I never saw a heartbeat on that ultrasound. Now that I have lost a child I carried and held, I feel that some mothers who experienced losses in the womb share my sentiment about their earlier gestational losses.
Often, they preface their grief by saying things like, “I know you had it worse” or “I shouldn’t complain to you.” Each time I hear those words, it breaks my heart, because I wish they understood that grief isn’t a competition and I’m not keeping score.
If I’m being honest, I can’t claim that my miscarriage was equally as painful as the loss of my daughter. That’s a reflection of my personal experience and doesn’t diminish the grief that accompanies earlier losses. When I was nineteen, my only encounter with child loss was a miscarriage, and that loss devastated me too.
I have lost two children in profoundly different ways, and when someone vulnerably shares their pain with me, I’m not weighing their experience against mine. The loss of a child, under any circumstances, is always heartbreaking for parents. We need support, but more importantly, we need to uplift each other—today and every day, especially on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
What is meant to unite us often ends up dividing us, as so many focus on comparing who has endured a greater loss. We are too preoccupied with categorizing grief by how “worthy” we perceive each other’s losses to be, which only serves to amplify feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation.
Sometimes, I wish parents could simply share that they lost a child, and that would be the end of it. I wish there were no questions demanding clarification or attempts to quantify loss. No more judgmental glares or uninformed remarks that encourage looking on the bright side. On Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I wish bereaved parents could see one another as equals.
We shouldn’t need to diminish someone else’s grief to validate our own. Instead, we should recognize that our losses are distinct. When someone shares their sacred grieving process, it’s about them, not about us or our grief.
We must remember that all bereaved parents are welcome to share their stories.
For more insight, check out this other blog post here. If you’re looking for authoritative information, visit Make A Mom for more knowledge on home insemination. Also, Medical News Today provides excellent resources on pregnancy and fertility matters.
Search Queries:
- What is pregnancy loss awareness?
- How to cope with infant loss?
- Support for bereaved parents
- Understanding miscarriage grief
- Ways to honor a lost child
In summary, it is vital for us to unite in our shared experiences of loss, providing support and understanding to one another, especially on days dedicated to remembering our children. Grief should not be a competition; rather, it should be a pathway to solidarity and healing among all bereaved parents.