Supporting Survivors of Domestic Violence: A Guide for Friends and Family

Whether you realize it or not, it’s likely that you know someone impacted by domestic violence. Each year in the United States, over 10 million people experience abuse, which translates to one in four women and one in seven men facing severe physical violence from an intimate partner. If you didn’t recognize this statistic before, you do now. As a survivor of domestic abuse myself, I understand the desire to help, even if it’s challenging to know where to start. Here are some effective ways to support individuals affected by domestic violence, both during and after their abusive relationships.

Supporting Someone Currently Experiencing Abuse

Affirm Their Worth: Individuals in abusive relationships often struggle with low self-esteem. Remind them of their inherent value, reinforcing that they matter and that nothing they did justifies the abuser’s actions. They are not at fault.
Acknowledge Their Feelings: Victims may experience a mix of emotions, including guilt and confusion. Validate these feelings, while also making it clear that abuse is never acceptable.
Believe Their Story: When someone confides in you about their experience with domestic violence, listen without doubt or question. Offer them reassurance with statements like “I believe you” or “You don’t deserve this.”
Express Your Concerns: Let the individual know you are worried about their safety, which can help them recognize the severity of their situation. Phrases like “I’ve noticed some changes that concern me” can convey your care.
Assist with a Safety Plan: Work together to create a safety plan that provides concrete steps to take in a crisis, ensuring they know how to respond if violence occurs again or if they decide to leave.

Supporting Survivors After Abuse

Be Present: The aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship can be overwhelming. Make yourself available for support not just during crises but also in the days and weeks following their exit from the relationship.
Reassure Them They’re Not Alone: Survivors often feel isolated. Remind them that you are there for them, and keep in touch through phone calls or visits. Invite them to social outings to help combat feelings of loneliness.

General Guidance for Supporting Survivors

Listen Without Judgment: When someone shares their story, listen attentively without shaming or offering unsolicited advice. Just providing a safe space for them to express their feelings can be immensely helpful.
Provide Resources and Ongoing Support: While you can’t force someone to leave an abusive situation, you can offer resources such as information on shelters, legal assistance, and mental health professionals. Encourage them to reach out to helplines like the National Domestic Violence Hotline and let them know you are there for them unconditionally.
Respect Their Choices: Ultimately, the decision to leave an abusive relationship lies with the individual. Avoid pressuring or blaming them and instead offer your unwavering support, regardless of their choices.

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Summary:

Supporting domestic violence survivors requires compassion and understanding. Whether someone is currently experiencing abuse or is recovering from it, affirming their worth, validating their feelings, and providing ongoing support are essential. Remember, the choice to leave an abusive relationship is theirs alone, and offering resources and a listening ear can make a significant difference in their journey to healing.