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Domestic violence manifests in numerous ways—emotional manipulation, living under constant stress, and notably, financial abuse. Have you ever felt the need to justify every single purchase to your partner? Perhaps you bought a snack at the grocery store and felt anxious about finishing it before returning home, fearing their reaction if they discovered you spent even a small amount on yourself. Questions like, “Why are you so selfish?” or “Is your comfort more important than your children’s needs?” echo in your mind, even if that was the first few dollars you had spent on yourself in months. This is a glimpse into the reality of financial abuse, a topic that remains largely unaddressed.
Many individuals only recognize this form of abuse after they escape it. I understand this all too well because I lived through it. As a young person, I lacked awareness of the facts. The unfortunate truth is that financial abuse is present in 99% of domestic abuse situations. It occurs when one partner exerts control and creates a disparity in power, using fear to keep the other partner in a submissive position.
I was raised in an environment where joint finances were the norm. My parents and grandparents shared their financial resources; it was simply how marriage worked. However, my experience was different. After the initial months of marriage, I found that as soon as my salary was deposited, it would quickly vanish except for a fixed amount intended for groceries—no flexibility, no excess. I vividly recall the panic of calculating my cart’s total as I shopped, praying my purchases would fit within the strict budget set by my partner.
Even years later, the anxiety of being at the checkout remains with me. The dread of having my card declined was overwhelming. But this was just the tip of the iceberg. Financial abuse goes beyond controlling current funds; it also prevents victims from achieving financial independence, making it challenging to leave the relationship. Sabotaging employment is a common tactic. In my case, my partner didn’t stop me from working entirely, but their interference made it difficult for me to perform my job effectively.
My paycheck was deposited into a joint account, and my partner insisted I submit my pay stubs. I never understood this requirement, as it seemed unnecessary, yet I complied under the guise of tax preparation. Meanwhile, I secretly stashed away some money for myself, which I intended to use to escape. It was a constant source of anxiety, fearing discovery and the potential fallout.
Although my actions might seem extreme, I was fortunate to have a job that allowed me to open a fee-free bank account and to manage my check stubs. I shouldn’t have had to hide anything; the money was rightfully mine, earned through my labor. Yet, in an abusive relationship, the sheer fear often leads you to forget your rights.
The monitoring of my spending, the manipulation of my employment, and the restriction of my access to my own earnings were all indicators of financial abuse. Abusers deliberately instill fear, blurring the lines between what you can do and your actual legal rights, leaving you overwhelmed and paralyzed.
When you find yourself in a relationship that should be built on mutual respect, yet your partner uses finances to control you, it is indeed abuse. Physical abuse is often more visible and easier to recognize, while emotional, verbal, and financial abuse can be more subtle and insidious.
It is common for outsiders to question why one doesn’t simply leave the relationship, but the reality is far more complex. For me, it took over a decade to find a way out that felt safe and justified.
To anyone reading this who identifies with my experience, please know that you are not alone. You deserve love, respect, and freedom from abuse. Yes, it can and will get better.
For more information on financial abuse and related topics, be sure to check out other posts on our site, such as this one. Additionally, for those considering home insemination, Make a Mom provides excellent resources and products. For further insights into various family-building options, visit Resolve.
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Summary:
Financial abuse is a critical aspect of domestic violence that often goes unnoticed. It manifests through controlling spending, restricting access to funds, and sabotaging employment, all of which keep victims trapped in abusive relationships. Recognizing these signs is essential for breaking free and reclaiming one’s independence. Support and resources are available for those seeking to escape such situations.