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Growing up, I often watched my grandmother, mother, and aunts prepare meals for the children at family gatherings, while the men lounged in the living room, engrossed in football and casual chats. The women handled everything from cooking to setting the table, cutting food, and cleaning up, all while managing tantrums and the endless needs of the kids. Occasionally, the men would shout at us for being too loud, but their involvement rarely extended beyond that. It was clear that these women were what we now call “the default parent.”
Back then, I didn’t think much of it. It was simply the way things were, and being unaware of any other dynamic, it didn’t bother me. However, now as a mother myself, navigating the same outdated family dynamics, I’m exhausted by how often the men enjoy their meals while the women are still busy serving.
But this issue isn’t limited to just family dinners; it reflects a broader trend in everyday family life. There’s almost always a default parent in the household. If you’re a mother, you probably know without needing to take a quiz that you’re likely that person. Like everything else in your home, it’s something you just instinctively recognize.
We are the ones our kids turn to for everything, even when we’re juggling a million other tasks while our partners are comfortably seated. We might occasionally forget how old we are, but we can instantly recall what our children will and won’t eat. We keep track of their schedules, from practices to appointments, and we manage the logistics, often when our own calendars are packed to the brim.
The default parent is acutely aware of each child’s unique needs and preferences, holds the family’s emotional weight, and addresses the daily logistics that others overlook. We do more than enough; in fact, many of us would argue we do too much.
Contrary to popular belief, this isn’t something moms ask for when they decide to start a family; it shouldn’t just be an expected part of parenting. It’s unjust that so many mothers manage every aspect of family life while fathers only step in when they feel like it or, worse, only when explicitly asked.
Moms shouldn’t have to plead for assistance when it’s clear we’re overwhelmed. If the house is a mess, the kids are hungry, and mom hasn’t changed her sweater in days, the responsibility for noticing those things shouldn’t always fall on the default parent.
It often feels like we are the only ones attuned to our children’s needs. When our partners request us to delegate daily tasks that have remained unchanged since we became parents, it only adds to our already heavy load. This often leads to exhaustion and stress, making us reluctant to even ask for help. We end up wondering why we can see what needs to be done, yet our partners seem oblivious.
As a result, moms find themselves drained while dads float through family life, often unaware of the complexities involved in daily parenting. Yes, I understand that “not all fathers” fit this stereotype, but there are enough of them to warrant concern.
I believe these skewed family roles can be seen as a generational curse. Many of us grew up in similar environments, causing these patterns to persist through generations. Young girls become mothers who are typically the default parent, while boys grow into fathers who often remain uninvolved, receiving accolades for minimal contributions. Children absorb these dynamics, and as they grow, they often replicate the same toxic behaviors.
Unfortunately, the default parent cannot break these generational cycles without sacrificing their own needs or, in extreme cases, leaving their partner. And frankly, it shouldn’t be our responsibility to solve yet another issue.
Moms everywhere need dads to step up. We want fathers who wake up with the kids without needing to be asked, who dress them in the morning without waiting for praise, and who keep track of their appointments without relying solely on mom. Most importantly, we want dads who can serve their kids’ meals at family dinners, allowing moms a moment to sit down before their food gets cold.
To sum it up, what we need most is for dads to be a little more like moms—not just for our sake but for the kids as well—because moms can only do so much.
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Summary
The article discusses the overwhelming burden of family responsibilities that often falls on mothers, highlighting the outdated dynamics that continue to persist across generations. It emphasizes the need for fathers to take a more active role in family life, encouraging a shift towards shared responsibilities to alleviate the stress placed on mothers.