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A few years back, my son, Jake, earned his driving license. He had a head start, having spent countless hours on my father’s farm, driving tractors, lawn mowers, and even my dad’s truck around the property.
When I first got in the car with him, I was just like any other parent—nervous and tense—while Jake seemed completely at ease and confident. He aced his driving test on the first attempt, driving a manual car that he had saved up for. His pride in that car was evident; he would spend hours admiring it, cleaning it, and customizing it. Jake worked tirelessly on weekends, driving himself to and from his job, shuttling his siblings to school, and even going to the gym, all while footing the bill for his membership.
What I’m getting at is that he was a responsible kid. In our state, however, there’s a law that prohibits minors from having anyone in the car with them (aside from siblings) until they’ve maintained a clean driving record for nine months. I gently reminded Jake of this several times, and he assured me he wouldn’t take any chances.
“It’s not worth it,” I said. “If you get caught, you’ll have to start over.”
Though I had never witnessed him driving friends around, I had my doubts. He often told me that I was too quick to assume the worst.
Then, exactly two weeks before his nine-month milestone, he went out for a drive. During the pandemic, he claimed he needed to get out and was just going to the store for gas and an energy drink. I reminded him to be careful and settled in for some TV. Less than ten minutes later, I received a call from Jake. He had flipped his car; he was unharmed, but the vehicle was totaled and the damage looked severe.
“Don’t freak out when you see it,” he said.
Instead of going to the store, Jake had taken a joyride with three friends he met nearby—who were all under eighteen. He took a corner too fast, and they all had to crawl out from the upside-down car. Instead of calling the police, someone who witnessed the accident did.
I arrived just as the officer showed up. Rather than fleeing, Jake’s friends offered support, and he admitted to driving them when he wasn’t supposed to. He lost his license for three months and couldn’t have passengers for an additional nine months once he got it back.
I was relieved that Jake and his friends were safe, but I felt betrayed. Not only was he breaking the law, but he could have seriously injured himself or someone else. This law exists to prevent reckless behavior, especially when teens are trying to impress their peers.
A few days later, I was still seething. While listening to a podcast on guilt, the therapist discussed how guilt can be counterproductive and that punishing ourselves with it is harmful.
I wanted Jake to feel guilty; I believed he should. Yet, I realized I had a choice: I could either punish him and give him space to learn from this experience or constantly remind him of his mistake out of fear that he might repeat it.
That summer was an eye-opener for me about second chances. While Jake had disappointed me, I recognized that he deserved a chance to regain my trust. My brother-in-law, an elementary school principal, often says that allowing kids to earn back trust is vital.
If we hold onto our anger and refuse to forgive, our kids may feel they have nothing to lose and might disregard rules altogether. Why would they care when we are already upset with them?
I’m not suggesting that kids shouldn’t face consequences; they absolutely should. However, they also deserve our support and the opportunity to improve. If we isolate them during tough times, we harm both them and ourselves. Trusting ourselves as parents means knowing that if the bad behavior continues, we will address it when necessary, instead of constantly reminding them of past mistakes, which only drives a wedge between us.
I won’t pretend it was easy to trust Jake again once he was able to drive. Yet, my belief in him was what he really needed at that moment.
Fast forward a year and a half, and Jake has learned a valuable lesson. Not only has he avoided further incidents, but he recently picked up his brother from school and witnessed one of his friends speeding in the parking lot. Jake remarked, “It felt so good to drive by and be a good kid. Seeing that cop brought back memories.”
Trusting our kids after they’ve made mistakes can yield positive results, even when it feels like they don’t deserve it at the moment.
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In summary, forgiving our children after they make serious mistakes is crucial for their growth and our relationship. It’s essential to balance consequences with understanding and support, allowing them to learn and earn back our trust.