This Year, It’s Time to Move Beyond Performative Volunteerism and ‘Poverty Porn’

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Last week, while browsing posts in my local parenting group on social media, I stumbled upon a familiar dilemma that arises as the holiday season draws near. Parents expressed the need to impart a lesson to their children, suggesting that today’s kids are spoiled and entitled, and what they truly need is to learn appreciation for their blessings.

The suggestions that followed were typical but ultimately unhelpful. One parent recommended that another take everything out of their child’s room except the mattress. Another suggested various local organizations where the child could “volunteer” (ironic, right?) to foster gratitude. Sure, there are donation centers, soup kitchens, and shelters that can teach kids about appreciation—but is that really the best approach? I’m here to firmly say no to performative volunteerism and the troubling concept of ‘poverty porn.’ Instead, let’s focus on instilling genuine gratitude in our children throughout the year.

Growing up in the ’80s, I remember when parents would push kids to finish their plates. If a child didn’t want to eat their meatloaf, they’d hear, “Think of the starving children in other countries. Eat your food!” This approach was misguided; we didn’t become more thankful or hungry simply because we were reminded of those less fortunate. We were just kids with real feelings, and sometimes we were simply full.

With the rise of social media, I’ve observed parents not only encouraging their kids to volunteer—especially on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas—but also documenting it online. It’s ironic that while we want our children to appreciate their privileges, we’re simultaneously showcasing our acts of service for likes and comments. Using those in need as a backdrop for our social media highlights is distasteful and doesn’t impart valuable lessons to our children.

So, if we agree that coercing our kids into superficial acts of kindness isn’t effective, what can we do to help them appreciate their privileges? Here are some meaningful strategies:

1. Create a Solid Financial System: My kids receive a monthly allowance, which they allocate as follows: 50% for spending, 40% for savings, and 10% for charity. Over the years, they’ve saved their charitable portion to purchase gifts for donation boxes during the holidays. This not only makes the experience enjoyable but also teaches them the importance of giving back. By maintaining this system throughout the year, they can choose to donate whenever an opportunity arises, reinforcing the idea that with privilege comes responsibility.
2. Support a Cause as a Family: When my children were younger, we noticed that the avalanche of birthday gifts often overwhelmed them. We learned about a wonderful program that matched kids in foster care with birthday buddies. For several years, we asked party guests to bring gifts for these buddies instead of for our children. The excitement of gathering those gifts and donating them instilled a positive sense of pride in our kids, as they realized they were making another child happy. They still received gifts from family and friends but learned that sometimes less can be more.
3. Join Clubs with Engaging Service Projects: As children grow, they should be encouraged to join clubs that focus on community service. These organizations should align with their interests, making service feel less like a chore. For instance, if your child loves the outdoors, they may be more inclined to participate in a park cleanup than to serve food at a shelter once a year. Tailoring service opportunities to their passions can foster a lifelong attitude of giving.
4. Persevere Through Challenges: Don’t be discouraged if a financial system or a service project doesn’t pan out as planned. If the 50-40-10 system doesn’t resonate, try something different. If your family’s volunteer experience wasn’t fulfilling, there are plenty of other organizations that would appreciate your help. Encourage your children to explore different options until they find what resonates with them, teaching them the value of persistence.
5. Model Gratitude: There are times when I catch myself complaining about trivial matters. If this becomes the norm, gratitude fades into the background. Our kids learn by observing us—if they see us actively helping others and expressing gratitude for what we have, they are more likely to adopt those behaviors. Being a role model in gratitude is essential; we must show appreciation for both large and small acts of kindness.

Volunteering in a soup kitchen or participating in community cleanups is commendable, but if these activities are forced upon children as a form of punishment, it can be counterproductive. Genuine moments of realization and appreciation come through consistent and meaningful engagement—not through a singular, obligatory act. To truly instill gratitude in our children, we must create a culture of appreciation that lasts all year, not just during the holidays.

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In summary, the focus should be on nurturing genuine gratitude in our children through meaningful experiences and by modeling appreciation ourselves. By moving away from performative acts and instilling values that resonate, we can help our kids develop a lasting understanding of gratitude that transcends the holiday season.