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For twelve generally happy years, I’ve embraced my husband’s seemingly perfect family, leaving behind my own dysfunctional background. However, I’ve begun to question that decision. My mother-in-law, who suffers from Alzheimer’s, has essentially appointed me as her primary caregiver.
No one formally assigned me this role; rather, it seems to have fallen to me because, out of her six sons and daughters-in-law, everyone else is “too busy.” In my opinion, that translates to no one really cares now that she’s no longer financing family vacations. Plus, they know I’ll step up.
Caring for her has not been easy. To be honest, I’ve often found it hard to like her. She places immense value on expensive items like Limoges and Waterford, while I’m content with a reliable car for grocery runs. She judges those who can’t set a table like Emily Post, while I sometimes resort to plastic utensils. Her home is adorned with fresh flowers daily, while my family vacuums up cat hair when guests come over. We’ve always been starkly different, and she’s never hesitated to point out those differences, often in public. I never imagined I would end up as her main support.
Ironically, Alzheimer’s has softened her personality, making her easier to be around than before. Her previous sharp wit has dulled, and the mean-spirited humor she once displayed has faded. She has become more of a sweet, absent-minded grandmother figure, offering treats and warm gestures. Though we’ve grown closer, I can’t shake the feeling of resentment that overshadows any gratitude I might feel.
As her condition has worsened, I’ve noticed a distinct shift in her family’s involvement. With each decline in her memory, family members—who all live within five miles—seem increasingly unavailable. They rarely visit or even answer her calls.
I’m now the one managing everything from medication reminders to ensuring she eats and bathes. I don’t want to sound like I’m playing the martyr because, in a way, everyone is contributing what they can. Just this morning, my sister-in-law texted to inform me she arranged a pedicure for our mother-in-law, which was already paid for. “Someone will have to take her there; I’m out of town,” she added. This kind of “someone” scenario happens frequently.
When my brother-in-law mentioned his plans to visit, it turned out to coincide with the physical therapist’s appointment. He casually asked if I could reschedule, and if I couldn’t, they could just visit after their trip to Jamaica. I found myself wondering how I became the family’s go-to for caregiving and scheduling.
Not once has anyone stepped up in a consistent manner to ease my burden. No one has offered even a half-hearted “Let me know how I can help.” Instead, I’m met with compliments like “You’re amazing!” or “I could never manage as much as you.” Each time I hear those words, I feel a surge of frustration. I don’t want their praise; I want genuine assistance.
It feels like I’m being manipulated into taking on this caregiving role while they remain passive. I am not solely responsible for caring for the family matriarch, yet they act as if their appreciation suffices. It’s frustrating and insulting.
Friends suggest I should step back, but how do you leave an 89-year-old with Alzheimer’s to fend for herself? I don’t know what the future holds, but I am determined not to remain the family’s default caregiver.
It’s often said that families fracture when a parent passes away, revealing true colors over trivial matters. I feel like I’m experiencing something similar, but this time, no one has died. I once felt closely connected to my husband’s family. Now, as I bear the burden of caregiving alone, resentment has taken hold.
This situation has been a wake-up call, and I refuse to continue being the one who always picks up the slack.
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Here are some related queries you might be interested in:
- home insemination methods
- how to choose a fertility kit
- understanding artificial insemination
- dealing with family caregiving
- support for caregivers
In summary, taking on the role of primary caregiver for my mother-in-law has led to feelings of resentment, especially as I find myself managing her care while other family members remain largely absent. Although our relationship has softened due to her condition, the burden I carry alone has strained my connection to the family.