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I encounter the term “gaslighting” multiple times a day, particularly in discussions surrounding difficult or failing relationships. One partner often accuses the other of “gaslighting” or being a “gaslighter.” This accusation typically suggests that the accused is intentionally manipulating the other person, even making them question their perception of reality. The term originates from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” where a man gradually convinces his wife that she is losing her mind, partly by suggesting that her observations about their dimming gas lights are just her imagination.
While “gaslighting” has become a popular buzzword, are we always applying it correctly? According to an article in Psychology Today by Dr. Sarah Thompson, what we perceive as gaslighting can sometimes merely be manipulation, disagreement, or someone being inconsiderate. Gaslighting is certainly a form of poor behavior, but not all poor behavior amounts to gaslighting.
Dr. Thompson, who authored Gaslighting: Identify Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive Individuals — and Escape, highlights two primary components of gaslighting: causing a person to question their reality, and doing so intentionally. While gaslighting is a type of manipulation, not all manipulation qualifies as gaslighting.
Harassment, criticism, and coercion can all be forms of manipulation, but they do not become gaslighting unless they involve causing the victim to doubt their reality or sanity. For instance, if one partner insults the other by calling them stupid or worthless to gain control, that’s abusive criticism. It’s a valid reason to leave a relationship, but unless it leads the partner to doubt their own self-perception, it remains merely controlling and manipulative behavior, which is obviously harmful enough on its own.
Gaslighting is more subtle than outright insults; it manifests as statements like, “You earned straight A’s in high school? But didn’t you attend that small, underfunded school in a bad neighborhood?” A gaslighter deliberately creates scenarios that make the target feel inadequate, leading them to question their previous feelings of confidence. Over time, this can erode their trust in their own judgment and perceptions.
Disagreements between partners are normal, but they rarely constitute gaslighting. If you and your partner have different recollections of events and argue about them, that’s a common occurrence—provided it doesn’t lead to one partner belittling the other or prompting feelings of insanity. Memories are imperfect, and it’s quite typical for two people to have differing views of past events. Disagreeing about the state of things, no matter how passionately, is not gaslighting. If someone insists you’re wrong, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re being gaslit; it may just be a frustrating clash of perspectives.
However, if your partner’s disagreement leads you to doubt your reality, or if they deny something occurred despite clear evidence, you might be experiencing gaslighting. For example, I once had a partner who, when confronted about his rude behavior, would want to “go over the events.” He would recount the story in a way that cleared him of blame and cast doubt on my memory, even when I presented evidence. Faced with undeniable proof, he would alter his narrative or assert that I had misinterpreted his actions. The rapid shifts in his version of reality left me stunned and speechless. Resolving conflicts with someone who constantly changes the narrative is impossible because that’s gaslighting.
Is Intent Always Necessary?
I believe that one person can gaslight another without having premeditated malicious intent. Dr. Thompson emphasizes that gaslighting must involve intentionality—a deliberate attempt to control the other person. However, Dr. Emily Wright notes in another Psychology Today article that gaslighting can occur without the gaslighter being fully aware of their actions. Someone may try to control another person in harmful ways without recognizing the specific tactics they’re using.
This is crucial to keep in mind. Even after many years, I don’t think my former partner was intentionally gaslighting me. Yet, he consistently manipulated events to the point where I began to question my own sanity. I genuinely started to believe I must be the irrational one. How could he always seem so sure? Perhaps I was simply too confident and needed to second-guess my own memory.
His motives were unclear; it felt as if he needed to always be right, resorting to any means necessary to achieve that, even to the point of lying and causing me to question my sanity. He didn’t seem to aim to control me with malicious intent; it was more a rigid need to dictate the narrative.
We may sometimes exaggerate our accusations of gaslighting; in moments of anger, it can be tempting to make claims that aren’t entirely accurate. Nevertheless, it’s essential to trust your instincts. If you’re with someone who undermines your confidence or makes you question your understanding of reality, heed that inner voice. Maintain a circle of trusted friends who can help you see things clearly during times of self-doubt. You could be dealing with a gaslighter, or perhaps just a difficult person. Regardless, you deserve happiness.
This article was originally published on November 12, 2021.
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Summary:
The term “gaslighting” is frequently misused in relationship contexts, often confusing general manipulation or disagreement with this specific form of emotional abuse. True gaslighting involves an intentional effort to make the victim question their reality. While criticism and controlling behavior are harmful, they don’t always qualify as gaslighting unless they lead to self-doubt regarding one’s perceptions. It’s important to recognize and trust one’s feelings in relationships, seeking support from friends when needed.