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The day after Thanksgiving, I’ll be giving my four children (and maybe my partner) a kiss before heading off on my own for eight days, embracing my inner K-pop fan for all it’s worth while my partner stays home with the kids. Let me clarify: this isn’t the first solo trip I’ve taken this year (or ever), and each time, I have no regrets—except perhaps wishing I had prioritized my own desires more when I was younger and less tied down.
Whenever I mention my upcoming trip—whether it’s a weekend away with friends or attending a concert—people often ask what my partner thinks about my social plans.
If I’m feeling gracious, I’ll say, “Oh, he’s totally fine. He’s used to it.” But when I’m less inclined to be polite, I might respond with something like, “One of us deserves to enjoy life, and it’s going to be me.”
Honestly, I don’t mind if that makes me sound selfish. I only get one life, and I intend to live it as I choose. It’s not my responsibility to ensure my partner’s happiness—that’s on him. I’m not hindering him from pursuing what he enjoys, so why should he object to my choices?
After all, he’s their father. He’ll manage just fine.
I’m exhausted by the well-meaning yet deeply sexist remarks like, “It’s so nice of your partner to babysit the kids for you,” or “How will he cope being alone with the kids?”
Um, last I checked, my partner is also a parent to our four children. He’s not babysitting; he’s parenting.
His responsibilities didn’t end after contributing half of their genetic material. And while I primarily take on the role of a stay-at-home mom and handle homeschooling, my partner is an active, involved parent. He takes on a significant portion of the bedtime routine, plays with the kids, and drives them to activities whenever possible, spending most of his free time with them—even when I encourage him to go out with friends.
When I ask him why he opts to stay in, he simply shrugs and expresses how much he enjoys their company. I often stare at him, perplexed.
I adore my children—I would genuinely sacrifice for them—but spending time doing board games or watching their current favorite show on repeat? No thanks. HARD PASS.
Why are mothers always painted as the villains?
Every time I share my experiences as a hands-off parent or admit that I’m not the perfect wife, I’m met with backlash of accusations, labeling me as a narcissist, abusive, or whatever the latest armchair psychology diagnosis happens to be.
But why?
I know I’m not the only mother who loathes cooking, who teaches her children to be independent early on, or who doesn’t center her entire existence around her (adorable) kids. I realize this because whenever I write about these topics, women thank me for voicing their thoughts and making them feel less isolated.
Let’s face it: we all know why women are often vilified.
Patriarchy. Hegemony. Religion.
And who perpetuates the patriarchy? Who enforces it with relentless vigor? Women do.
Stop enabling weaponized incompetence.
When my partner traveled for work, leaving me alone with three children under seven while heavily pregnant, no one questioned how I would manage. No one wondered if I could handle being outnumbered by tiny humans while carrying another.
No one asked me how I felt about my partner’s comments regarding his food choices while away (and trust me, I had opinions). No one inquired if he had prepped meals for us, printed out the kids’ schedules, or arranged transportation for activities before his departure.
You know why? Because it was assumed that parenting was solely my responsibility. My domain.
Here’s the reality: child-rearing is just as much my partner’s responsibility as it is mine. It is his domain and his life’s work too.
Oh, and he’s also an adult.
When I leave, I don’t need to provide meals because my partner knows how to feed our children. If necessary, the kids know how to help themselves too. He’s capable of buying food—whether pre-made or ingredients to cook—with his own money.
He’s aware of their schedules—and if he’s not, he can check our shared family calendar on his phone and—get this—actually follow it.
I’ve never had to plead with him to do these things; I expect him to. Why? Because these children are his too, and he is capable. If he weren’t competent, how could he be the primary breadwinner for our family?
Exactly. He couldn’t.
I’m not saying I don’t make adjustments to ease his load; I do. I know that when I’m away, things won’t go perfectly, and that’s okay. I’m fortunate that he works from home and that the kids are older now. But I did my share of the heavy lifting when they were younger, and he wasn’t working from home then.
Let’s normalize men—husbands, in particular—not using their supposed incompetence as an excuse. Let’s hold men accountable when they try to shift the entire burden of parenting onto our capable shoulders.
I believe in them, and I believe in you.
This article was originally published on November 19, 2021.
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In summary, we need to challenge the ingrained assumption that parenting responsibilities fall solely on women. Both partners should share these duties equally, and we should stop enabling any form of incompetence that shifts the burden unfairly.