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Is your relationship feeling rocky? Unconscious gaslighting might be the culprit. Here’s what to watch for.
When we hear the term “gaslighting,” we often think of someone deliberately trying to manipulate another person. However, it can also occur unconsciously. This type of gaslighting, sometimes referred to as “unintentional gaslighting” or “shadow gaslighting,” takes place when the individual engaging in the behavior is unaware of their impact.
The concept of gaslighting originates from the 1944 film Gaslight, based on a 1938 play. The narrative revolves around a man who manipulates his wife into believing she is suffering from mental illness, allowing him to carry out his own deceitful activities. The woman, portrayed by a well-known actress, gradually loses confidence in her own perception as her husband continuously undermines her reality. This kind of manipulation can be incredibly disorienting.
So, what exactly is unconscious gaslighting? Simply put, it’s when someone inadvertently causes another to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, or sense of reality. As Justice Schanfarber, a marriage and relationship counselor, explains, we all have aspects of ourselves that we might deny or disown due to their uncomfortable nature. Sometimes, these aspects can inadvertently influence our relationships, and we may not even be aware of it. While the intent might not be malicious, it still results in psychological harm.
Signs You Might Be a Victim of Unconscious Gaslighting
Identifying unconscious gaslighting can be challenging, especially if you’re feeling uncertain about your reality. If you find yourself losing confidence or trusting your instincts less, particularly in relation to one specific person, that may indicate you’re experiencing this form of manipulation. Dr. Sandip Roy, a psychologist, notes that it can be intricately woven into the fabric of your interactions, making it hard to pinpoint.
Some typical signs of unconscious gaslighting include:
- The gaslighter diminishes your grasp of reality.
- Your feelings are invalidated.
- Their words contradict their actions.
- They exploit your guilt.
- They play the martyr.
- They lack empathy when you’re hurt.
- You feel guilty for circumstances beyond your control.
For instance, someone might say “I feel hurt” when they’re actually angry, or declare “Everything is fine” while avoiding the real issues.
Impact on Relationships
Unconscious gaslighting can influence various types of relationships—romantic partners, family, friends, or coworkers. Because it often stems from hidden motives, it can affect anyone who is emotionally open and vulnerable. Even though the gaslighting might not be intentional, its effects can lead to significant self-doubt and confusion for the victim.
Addressing Unconscious Gaslighting
Recognizing that you’re experiencing unconscious gaslighting is the first step toward resolution. This can be particularly difficult when you’re made to feel your perspective is incorrect. It’s crucial to bring these behaviors to light and discuss them with the individual involved. If you suspect you’re the one unintentionally gaslighting someone, it’s important to listen and consider their viewpoint seriously. Communication is key to resolving these issues and fostering healthier relationships.
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Summary
Unconscious gaslighting is a subtle yet damaging form of manipulation that can erode trust and self-esteem in relationships. Recognizing its signs and addressing the behavior through open communication is crucial for healing.
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